UNCANNY X-MEN #5: Trapped: One X-Man!

Magneto manages to trap ONE (1) X-Man in a wonderfully circuitous plan that could only come to you via the Silver Age of Comic books!



Spell-Binding Story By: Stan Lee
Dazzling Drawing By: Jack Kirby
Inking: Paul Reinman
Lettering: S. Rosen
Originally Published May 1964

Returning from their mission in Santo Marco, the X-Men are in dire straits. Not only is Magneto still at large with his Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, but Professor Xavier, their leader and mentor, has been incapacitated, stripped of his mental powers, and really sleepy.

Things seem like they couldn't possibly be worse for the X-Men when all of a sudden they get a visit... from Jean's parents! Suddenly, they find themselves trapped in a kooky sitcom plot! The Greys do not know their daughter is a mutant, much less that she is learning to use her abilities to fight as a footsoldier in a neverending battle against would-be oppressors of the human race, and the five young X-Men must trick the couple into thinking this is just an ordinary boarding school.

Luckily, Mr. & Mrs. Grey don't stay long (they were on their way to the 1964 World's Fair) and the book is more interested in Cyclops accidentally getting left behind in the Danger Room to face Beast's personalized workout in a kinda-clever spin on the typical training sequence. I have slightly mixed feelings about this, because the book introduces a very viable subplot only to ditch it pages later, but I feel like even by 1964, the Bewitched secret-keeping farce was a little worn out and obligatory.

As Mr. & Mrs Grey take their leave of the X-Mansion, we find that Mastermind, Magneto's most useful lieutenant, is skulking around Westchester, unable to locate the secret base of the X-Men. He's like, so close, too, but he goes home empty handed, hitching a ride with Quicksilver back to Magneto's awesome orbital base of operations, Asteroid M. Magneto having his own base in an asteroid puts him in the upper echelon of supervillains. Forget your volcano lairs and secret islands. This guy is literally hovering thousands of miles above our heads at all times! Why did he even want to take over Santo Marco last month when he had this rad asteroid base ready to go?

Quicksilver chides Magneto for obsessing over the X-Men, claiming they pose no immediate threat, and Magneto makes it clear that they are arch-nemeses, so Magneto will never be able to successfully execute one of his evil schemes while the X-Men breathe. If I didn't make it clear last time, I really like the various positions of the Brotherhood members: Toad is a true believer, Mastermind is a pragmatic social climber attaching himself to a rising star, and Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch are uneasy with the fact that they let the devil guilt them into servitude. Before long they will be bona fide Avengers, and I like that that seed is planted immediately with them. All this suggests that while the heroes are united under a single noble cause, the bad guys are usually in it for their own reasons, which is why they can't seem to win.

Magneto announces that his latest plan will depend largely on Toad, which already bodes ill.

The scheme is to disguise Toad as a runner in a track meet, which is apparently so high-stakes that it is televised and guaranteed to be watched by the X-Men. Toad will win because he is a mutant, and the x-Men will come to recruit him, at which point the Brotherhood will know the location of the X-Men's secret base. Magneto is banking on the X-Men not having improved their vetting process since bringing home the Blob a few months ago.

Having a double-agent X-Man would actually be a very good long-running story (just ask Marv Wolfman, who did such a story to great acclaim in DC's X-rival, Teen Titans back in the 70's and 80's!) but this is the 1960s, so things need to be compressed somewhat. The X-Men do rescue Toad from a hostile mob that is patently Not Ready To Accept Mutant Athletes, but soon discover his identity when they pull off his rubber mask.

I can buy that Magneto might choose Toad, who has Unspecified Hopping Abilities despite being acknowledged even by his teammates as an albatross around their necks, instead of the guy whose power is to run super fast, given that he performs very well in the broad-jump, high-jump and hurdles. But why did they outfit him with a rubber mask instead of using the guy whose power casts lifelike illusions to change his appearance? Magneto, I respect your ambition but you've got to work on leveraging your assets.

A scuffle ensues and Angel is captured and taken to Asteroid M, where he is straight-up tortured. The X-Men follow Toad back to the base and the battle continues - Scarlet Witch foils an attempt to hurl the X-Men out through an airlock, thus bringing the Maximoff twins' Magneto-sabotage count to two in two issues.

The whole day isn't a total loss as Magneto manages to toss Cyclops to an icy death in the cold vacuum of space as the Brotherhood escapes the now-collapsing Asteroid M. Angel, Iceman and Marvel Girl combine their powers to rescue him, and return home knowing they'll have to fight Magneto 1000 or so more times.

The X-Men prepare to debrief Professor X but he reveals that is not necessary since he has been monitoring them telepathically this entire time. See, he didn't really lose his powers... it was all just their final exam, to see if they could defeat Magneto without him. They passed (barely, I would say) and have now officially completed their training period!

Okay, Prof, but did you really have to make them carry you home and tuck you in?

Further Thoughts:

A lot of people consider modern comics to be reaching a new apex of the form. Others would point to the 1980's as being the true peak of what comics can be as a genre. Very few, given the advancements of storytelling that have been made since Stan Lee was writing every title himself, would advocate for the 1960's as the high point of the genre.

I won't either, but with that "maturing" of comics, we have lost some really enjoyable, imaginative aspects. Yes, Magneto's ruse here is a pretty bananas way to get at the X-Men, and he doesn't even seem able to capitalize on its unlikely success. But there's something to be said for that kind of garish Saturday Morning supervillainy and heroism that requires such outlandish leaps of logic to succeed - see also Blob uniting a bunch of circus acts who manage to give the superpowered X-Men a run for their money. As comics get "older," more and more avenues of what can be done are closed off in the name of keeping things "realistic." I'll admit more has been gained than lost, comics are more sophisticated and more able to address real-world villainy, but their value as escapism has been dulled at least a little since then.

Still, far be it from me to try to argue too stridently that "track meet infiltration" is maybe not a bit too campy no matter what era we're in.