UNCANNY X-MEN #53: The Rage of Blastaar!

And now for something completely Blastaar.

Originally Published February 1969

We open on this handsome fellow with the dandelion fuzz neckbeard: Blastaar. If this is your first time ever encountering Blastaar, (which for our purposes it is) this seems exceptionally random but he is an established foe of the Fantastic Four; so it's only sorta random.

Is dabbing still a thing? Is it cool and funny to say Blastaar invented it?

When we meet him here, he is floating aimlessly around in space, doomed to deliver a never ending anguished monologue about how he was born for combat and conquest but now cannot find any opponents, especially since he is unable to land on Planet Earth without his entire body - which is made of Anti-Matter because he is from the Negative Zone (which is like space but inside out!!) - being obliterated. Other than that, he says, he's pretty much unbeatable. He just can't fight right NOW.

Meanwhile, on Earth, Marvel Girl is testing out some of the equipment Professor X has left behind, specifically this machine designed to send her mind out into the cosmos. Cyclops and Beast are skeptical of whether she should use this untested, likely dangerous, definitely unpredictable device on herself., but she notes that it must be used in conjunction with her new psychic powers - expressing regret that she can't, say, test it out on a bunny first.

Don't worry, she promises to be, and I'm quoting directly here, "Super careful."

The idea is that this machine will allow the X-Men to radio their physical selves across the cosmos. I'm not sure what they need to do that for, at least so urgently that they can just put their lives at stake to test it out, but who are we to argue with our late Professor, the man who invented a machine that could randomly summon the Juggernaut back to Earth and kept it running after his death without telling anybody.

What happens is this:

And, well... Look. We're all adults here, right? We've been around. We know a thing or two. I certainly don't mean to be crass or anything but... That machine is definitely giving Jean Grey an orgasm, am I wrong? That may not be its stated purpose, maybe just a pleasant side effect, and maybe I could be convinced Jean didn't know that was going to happen when she insisted she must use it on herself, consequences be damned but yes. We here at Uncanny X-Cerpts like to make a habit of reading between the lines. And you know what, there's nothing wrong with taking a little for yourself, especially right under the nose of the Comics Code Authority. And right in front of your sorta-boyfriend to boot.

Those inclined to read ahead will note this is actually not even the last time Jean Grey's Quest for a Cosmic Orgasm will have implications for the fate of the world. But that's another story and will be told another time.

So of course what actually happens is that Blastaar is summoned from his deep space wanderings, and pleasantly surprised to find out he isn't obliterated the moment he steps foot on Earth. He arrives bathed in those cool black energy dots that Jack Kirby invented, looking metal AF and ready to kick Earthling skulls in.

He starts with Beast and proceeds to tangle with the remaining X-Men, leading to essentially a 10-page fight where the X-Men cannot overcome this massive, monstrous, interdimensional conqueror.

The X-Men win the battle when Jean comes up with a neat trick, having Iceman build a squadof ice-mannequins to wrestle Blastaar back into the machine, where their watery bodies dissolve and fry the machine, thus condemning him back to his cosmic prison.

Jean is actually kind of remorseful that it came to that. Cyclops is totally fine with it, though, and honestly I'm not sure which, if either, has the right attitude.

Further Thoughts:

I'd be remiss if I never referred to Blastaar by his full name, which never gets ink during this issue: Blastaar the Living Bomb-Burst. Cool as hell.

This is normally where the analytical part of my brain goes and wrecks this comic for not having much in the way of plot or premise but I think this story actually manages to circle back around. When you have only 15 pages to tell a story, you have to be judicious about how you use those pages, and when you're going for a good old-fashioned beat-em-up, you need to go all in and have fun with it.

On the one hand it's hard to love this comic because it's so light on plot. On the other, it's hard to hate this comic because it's so light on plot. It's the graphic equivalent of a Monkees chase montage. Nothing meaningful happens and there's no real context for any of it, but it was colourful and weird and an amusing enough way to spend a few minutes. It has the exact same plot as the Juggernaut battle a few months ago, right down to zapping the bad guy back where he came from, but this time it counts as a real win for the X-Men, so I liked it better.

I probably wouldn't buy this comic every month but it isn't bad now and then. It bears the markings of being a quickly-slapped together fill-in issue, since in last month's, we were promised "Cyclops: Wanted Dead or Alive!" which is also announced as the next issue here. Fill-in artist Barry Smith - after adding "Windsor" to his name and developing his style past a capable Kirby replica, becomes one of the most notable superstar guest artists the X-Men have during one of their most popular periods, decades later in the 1980's.