Monday, August 10, 2020

UNCANNY X-MEN #183: He'll Never Make Me Cry

Cover of uncanny X-Men #183


He loves me, he Juggernaut.





Originally Published July 1984

With Colossus back from the Secret Wars, and Kitty having been rescued from the Massachusetts Academy (where she had walked blindly into an obvious trap set by Emma Frost) by the New Mutants in the pages of their book, the two have decided it's a good time to have a chat about their nascent relationship.

Kitty and Colossus sit on a hillside. Colossus: I met someone. We fell in love.

Er... make that former relationship.

Yes, as Colossus had alluded in previous issues, during the Secret Wars (on sale now) he had met someone, an inhabitant of the wacky Secret War Planet the Beyonder had set up for the Secret Warriors to secretly war upon, and fallen deeply in love with her during the whole affair, only for her to sacrifice her life for his sake. You can read all about it in an upcoming issue, and if the promise of random romantic drama isn't a top-notch promotion for a book I don't know what is.

Colossus: "As beautiful as the dawn... as gentle as a spring rain." Kitty thinks, 'Poetry. From a man who said he never had the words... to express what was in his heart and in soul.  I guess he found the words.... for her. Never for me.'

Although she is no longer with us (and you can find out how that happens in an upcoming issue of Secret Wars, on sale now) Colossus is so changed by the experience of true love - not this puppydog affair he had been having with Kitty - that he can never go back to the way things were, and so this relationship has ended.

As he goes on and on about how he has changed and no longer feels the same way he omce did amd Kitty still does, Kitty privately wonders "why me??!" but outwardly says only "Them's the breaks I guess," a sign of her growing maturity (suppressing your feelings.) A big step for someone who was constantly throwing tantrums about her parents' divorce not long before.

Kitty thinks 'Hey God, why me? What'd I do to deserve this?' but her exterior remains calm. "Well, I always wanted what was best for you Peter. If that means loving someone other'n me... I guess those are the breaks." He says he hopes they can remain friends and she asserts they are X-Men, a bond nothing is supposed to be able to break. "See ya."

Kitty manages to keep it together until getting back to her room where she is comforted by Illyana.

Later, Ororo finds her packing - she has decided to take a leave and visit her parents in Chicago, suggesting she may return when she is out of tears.

Kitty to Ororo as tears fill her eyes: "You know what I wish, more than anything - that I could resurrect Peter's beloved to life, right here in Salem Center. At least then I'd have something to fight. But how do you compete with a ghost?! Oh cripes, here I go again! ... I hate him, Ororo. With all my heart. ... I love him."

Meanwhile, Wolverine and Nightcrawler have dragged Peter our to a bar in Manhattan, with ill intent on Logan's part.

Wolverine: "If he's a man, it's time he faced the consequences of his actions. Either way, I'm takin' a piece out of him."

But before any kind of spanking can occur, Wolverine does actually use his words, supposing that what Colossus felt for this manic pixie alien dream girl was not love, perhaps only a momentary infatuation, and that Colossus may have used it as a pretense to break things off with Kitty because he was scared - because it was getting serious with Kitty and because he was feeling threatened by the closeness she had with Doug Ramsay. Peter tries to turn the tables and point out that Wolverine broke things off with Mariko for similarly spurious reasons, which Logan brushes off as a matter of honor that both understand to transcend love. But before he can go further into the subtleties of Japanese Honor Code, he catches a familiar scent in the bar.

Wolverine scans the room to hone in on this familiar scent and finds the Juggernaut at the end of the bar.

That's right, dressed in his best turtleneck and ready to mack right here in this very bar is Cain Marko himself, the Unstoppable Juggernaut. (Amusingly, he's been shown in the crowd this entire time but Wolverine is only just noticing him - I guess it's a pretty crowded place.) Sensing that Juggernaut is not really a threat at this time, Wolverine wants to make a hasty exit so as to not arouse trouble, but Peter, who is surprisingly poor at holding his booze for a 6'6-tall bohunk who can turn into steel, stumbles back and ruins Juggy's game.

Marko: "I'm takin' it out of your hide!" Shoves Colossus through a wall, fromwhich he emerges, powered up and ready to fight.

They fight.

As they exchange blows, Wolverine muses "It's what th' boy deserves -- what I was plannin' t'do to him myself."


Wolverine watches on while the two mammoth men throw hands, expounding to Nightcrawler that he had basically planned to beat the shit out of Colossus himself, so this is all very convenient... with Colossus somehow not realizing right away that he is fighting the Juggernaut, but still prepared to use his iron fists on this ostensibly normal man, confident this is an appropriate show of force. Considering he had knocked him through a wall, I maybe don't disagree.

Juggernaut drops the bar on Colossus, "Here's where THE JUGGERNAUT returns the compliment!"

Juggernaut, for his part, is miffed because since being in New York he was already encased in concrete by Spider-Man (in a now-classic issue of that series) and also now missed out on his chance at a night of heterosexual lovemaking with a woman he just met. He is in no mood to play.

Juggernaut drops the entire building on Colossus.

Juggernaut, satisfied with his work here, chucks some of his ill-gotten money at the owner to repair the mild structural damage incurred. Once Colossus has been extracted from the rubble, he grouses that Wolverine and Nightcrawler didn't even help. Wolverine supposes that means that there's supposed to be some kind of bond between the X-Men? That they support each other no matter what? "Yes" Colossus says.

And Wolvie hits him with some of that animal-keen adamantium rhetoric.

Wolverine: "Like Kitty did for you? She's 14, Peter. But to save you, she agreed to marry Caliban and join the Morlocks. If Caliban hadn't released her from that vow, she'd be there today. You never even said 'Thank You.' Food for thought, eh?"

Truth hurts. Peter absolutely acted like a baby over what Kitty did when it was plainly out of love and concern for him not dying, a level of devotion he could not display when the tables were turned.

As the X-Men wander off into the night, we find out that there was more to Juggernaut's would-be sexual conquest than previously assumed...

The woman is seen draining a man from the bar of his life-force, leaving him as a skeletal husk

That's right! As we could all tell from the outset, this seemingly ordinary woman is actually a 2000-year-old vampire sorceress named Selene! To be continued!

Further Thoughts:

This is a very economical and simply-structured issue but deals with a lot of complex themes in an impressively subtle manner. 

Let's talk break-ups. I think that historically there is a lot of consternation about the Kitty-Peter pairing. I think it's something that has definitely fallen out of favour in modern fandom, whether it's because of the age gap between the two, or because of more modern interpretations preferring Kitty with another partner, such as Illyana. (I won't contradict that here, myself.) I love the delicate tone with which the creators handle the Peter-Kitty breakup scene. It feels realistically frought and weighty as Colossus struggles with complex feelings whose origins he is not certain of, and Kitty is blindsided but demonstrates growth as a person from her time in the book (as exemplified by her new short 80's haircut.)

Illyana comforts Kitty

Wolverine's take is appropriately in character - harsh and unyielding and rooted in his particular code of honor. It was only two issues ago that that very code caused him to offer to adopt a Japanese orphan when doing so would plainly complicate his life. He sees it as his duty not only to protect Kitty, but to show Peter what it means to be a man in Logan's world, to pay debts and act accordingly.

After the fight. Nightcrawler: "That was very harsh, Logan, and unforgiving." Wolverine: "So am I. Peter never once considered HER feelings, what SHE was goin' through. He never gave her a chance to explain, or them both one to work things out. It's like the boy just cut her out of his heart... he owed her GIRI - a blood-debt - an' he welshed! ... He knows now what he did. Next time -- whatever the outcome -- he'll act from choice, not ignorance."

This issue also finds time to check in with Rogue, who is going HAM in the Danger Room testing the limits of her abilities and maybe trying to attempt suicide by robot, as she is still dealing with her complex feelings from her dissociative personality.

Storm accuses a battered and beaten Rogue of behaving like a madwoman. Rogue: "Ah AM a madwoman!"


We also see Rogue's mother - in her Raven Darkholme guise - bringing Dr. Valerie Cooper to meet with a weapons maker named Forge who will be helping them with their mutant persecution campaign, which she seeks to use her position to undermine.

Mystique, thinking: "I'll take any measures necessary to protect myself -- andensure my group's continued survival and success."

Lastly, the issue is largely given to a slugfest between Colossus and Juggernaut. While in the past I have called out the book for inserting obligatory action and fight scenes - which are becoming more obvious as the series trends more toward intrigue and personal character development and away from superhero smash-em-ups - I could not be happier with a fight like this, which ties in thematically and logically to the story's core reason, which is to teach Colossus a lesson and give some catharsis to his decision to end things with Kitty. It not only amounts to Logan's honor lesson in the end, it is weirdly satisfying to see Peter - whom we generally love as a character but feel negatively toward for his current actions - get pounded on at length. I am very glad to see fights motivated by personal issue, rather than just a random encounter at the botanical garden, say.

Colossus tackles Juggernaut

I hesitate to say the book is becoming "more" complex, since it has been good and complex for a while now, but to see it refresh itself so regularly is such an engaging and rewarding thing to read.

Kitty upon hearing about Colossus' lost love: "Oh."


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