UNCANNY X-MEN #254: All New, All Different -- Here We Go Again!

Like 'em or not, these are your new new new X-Men!

Originally Published December 1989

We begin at Muir Island's fabulous mutant research facility, where Moira MacTaggert is using her Big Machines to try to determine the cause and extent of Lorna Dane's recent transformation from magnetic shrinking violet to statuesque bruiser.

And while this is going on, we must draw attention to Moira's choice of attire for her serious scientific pursuits.

What a MILF! (Muir Island Leather Fetishist)

Yes, for some reason Moira is conducting her business while flaunting her business, but if you were a middle-aged scientist living on a forbidding island in the North Sea and you looked that snatched, wouldn't you want to feel yourself?

Don't answer that.

As we know, Lorna Dane's magnetic powers have disappeared, replaced by this strange new powerset, which has something to do with the machinations of her possible-sister Zala Dane. The good news is, that means it's probably reversible, should we ever desire to do so. The even better news is that Lorna is free from the influence of Malice -- that Marauder is no longer living rent-free in Lorna's head.

In Ullpool on the Scottish Mainland, Sean Cassidy -- the former X-Man known as Banshee -- prepares to guide some guests to the island: Brigadier Alysande Lethbridge-Stewart and junior sorceress Amanda Sefton. Sean and "Sandy" go way back, presumably to Banshee's days as an international art thief. Let's hope that some goodwill has regenerated between them since then.

The three load up on the speedboat bound for Muir, when all of a sudden...

Oooh, shots fired! Wait, it's inappropriate to say that when shots have literally been fired

That's right, that telltale gunfire can only mean one thing, heralding the arrival of the main characters of the X-Men comic...

Cole, Reese and Macon are on a high ridge with Alysande in their sights. They don't know who she is and they don't particularly care, only that she's on her way to Muir Island and that makes her a threat and a target.

Before she can be splattered, Alysande is pulled beneath the water to safety by... well...

That's right, Amanda has gone fin-crazy, transforming both herself and Alysande into mer-people to rescue Sean. They teleport him back to dry land and into the infirmary at Muir Island... whereupon they regain their legs and Alysande makes it very clear that this has awakened something in her.

As Moira works furiously to save her beloved's life, she commands Amanda to magically get everyone -- which by now includes fake-Indigenous people Tom Corsi and Sharon Friedlander -- dressed in protective X-Men outfits, since they may have some unwelcome guests in the near future. Amanda casts the spell and...

I guess you could say she needs to work the kinks out

Haha, whoopsiedaisie, everyone one suddenly dressed in bondage gear, what a hilarious mixup. Wonder who came up with that one?

The group then goes to the locker rooms to put on their clothes the old fashioned way while Amanda chides herself for getting a simple clothes-changing spell so wrong. After all, it's a spell so basic that Sabrina was able to do it in the opening credits of her show for years!

Essentially, there's something horny in the air on Muir Island  and nobody knows what to make of it.

Elsewhere, Callisto has been sent to New York to seal up the remains of the Xavier Mansion, but in the Morlock tunnels nearby she runs into some old friends.

That's right, it's everyone's least favourite Morlock, Masque, and his own contingent. Understandably, the Morlocks have been a little fractured lately following the massacre that left many of them dead, many relocated to Muir Island, and de facto Leader Storm gone as well. it's not a happy reunion by any means, with Masque tormenting his former boss and asserting his new position as Top Morlock.

At Muir Isle, the Reavers have arrived, with Bonebreaker, Prettyboy and Skullbuster shooting up the island's nursery, where the superpowered and mutated children called Warpies -- who were mutated by the reality warping powers of Mad Jim Jaspers in some Captain Britain comics that I certainly didn't read -- reside, along with Morlocks like Sunder, and not-a-Morlock the mysterious multiple-personality mutant David Haller, alias Legion

One of Legion's personae is able to use telekinetic powers to shield the kids and cover for their escape, but the thing about Legion is that they're something of a wild card.

Maybe because his name is David, Sunder.

Corsi and Lorna arrive to even the odds, with the Reavers befuddled as to who this green-haired bruiser is that is whooping them.

Doc Samson,you've changed

Unfortunately, the bad guys regain the upper-hand when Legion has another other of his trademark changes of heart. Of course, this leads to Skullbuster wildly mishandling the situation by fixing his sights on Legion -- which goes poorly for him.

We step away now to look in on some more important things, namely Irene Adler, the precognitive mutant member of Freedom Force known as Destiny, who is having quite the trip, envisioning herself in a purely crystal room as an otherworldly clock ticks away.

Make that an entire crystal world, as this veritable Stevie Nicks sees crystal visions of her "good friend" Mystique, other superheroes like the Fantastic Four and the New Mutants, and finally finds herself hovering above a whole world of crystal, weeping for unknown reasons.

At last the meaning of the dream becomes obvious as Destiny herself becomes crystal and shatters. It appears her time is at an end.

In the morning she is met by Mystique, and though her "ole pal" senses something is troubling Irene, the seer declines to clarify. Instead they get a message from their government Gal Pal Val Cooper, who has a mission for the Freedom Force: go to Muir Isle and protect it from its current attackers, the Reavers.

Mystique has a major objection -- this mission is to include her sworn enemy Forge, who is, in her mind, responsible for the death of her daughter Rogue. Valerie, however, is insistent, mostly because she wants Forge back in his cozy job as part of the military-industrial complex. As the FF reluctantly agree, Destiny counsels Mystique to be kinder to Forge -- their futures are rather intertwined.

Back on Muir, things are looking dire for these would-be-X-folks. Our friend The Morlock Healer (known on this blog, and only on this blog, as Dave Stevenson) has put Banshee right after his gunshot wound. Moira is ready to usher him back into action and while Sharon objects due to the almost-deadness of his current status, Banshee is steadfast -- if his newly-returned sonic scream is needed, it is there. (Whilst also taking note of just how frisky Moira's gotten lately.)

They'll need him too. The Reavers have taken Amanda and Alysande down on the beach, and put an armor-piercing bullet in Sunder as well. They may not know what to make of "The Geeky Kid" or "Ms. Muscles wth the Green Hair" (They think she might be She-Hulk? Idk, it's not like they'd ever want to do research or surveillance on their enemies) but they are ready to roll.

Further Thoughts:

As I am quick to point out, and the cover of this issue emphasizes, we are at a point in the history of this comic where the X-Men as we knew them are no longer a going concern. They've meandered into the Siege Perlious and whatever random fate the universe has in store for them, leaving this loose assortment of characters to pick up the torch.

It's not an altogether un-compelling concept. I want you to know that I don't think at all that this represents Mr. Chris Claremont suddenly not knowing what to do with the comic he has stewarded for a decade and a half, that he's just randomly trying different threads in a frantic bid to make things up as he goes along. I think, based on the previous issues and this one, there is a very deliberate and concerted effort in a very specific direction, a story that the creators of this book wanted to tell where the former X-Men -- Psylocke, Colossus, Wolverine, Havok, Rogue, Storm and Dazzler -- all have to be offstage for a while, and instead to focus on some of those that have been on the fringes of the story, given that Claremont and his collaborators have seeded such a rich and well-populated world. It's a bold concept.

And you can see it not working. Anyone could guess that it wasnt going to work. People buy the X-Men to read about The X-Men. I have alluded to this point both surreptitiously and vocally. The X-Men may change but there is a certain level of gravitas that comes with being a fully qualified X-Person that the fans have embraced. Any individual of these characters may be welcome to assist the X-Men, guest star or even join them, but as a group -- or a loose bunch of individuals -- they do not have the juice.

In his book "All of the Marvels," recounting his odyssey of reading every single comic Marvel ever published, (that's pretty impressive I guess) writer Douglas Wolk reflects on his real-life history as a comic book seller around the time these issues were being published and how it was sort of the first dent in the armor of the X-Men's 1980's sales domination. It's hard to blame people for wandering away when their only (twice-)monthly chance to check in with the X-Men eschewed their favourite characters and virtually the entire concept altogether in favor of this lot.

Back then, the X-Men were already a franchise with the New Mutants, X-Factor and Wolverine starring in their own books, but those were still specific titles with a particular remit, off following their own story directions. Today, the X-Men are a mega-franchise, with the story sprawling over countless spin-offs, tie-ins and substories. The entire world of the mutants is visible, seemingly, through some lens or another, so that if people wanted to see the equivalent of Moira, Banshee and Amanda Sefton standing their ground on Muir Isle against a hostile force, there would be a place for that story to be told without disrupting the public's general enjoyment of the X-Men themselves. (That said, I'm given to understand that the entire concept of the X-Men has undergone a radical overhaul in recent years... I really should get back to that.)

I mentioned, this is very much a deliberate stylistic choice, a story decision by a creative force who has far more wins than losses. But I've never held that even at the height of his powers, Chris Claremont was an infallible creator. He is someone who scripted, plotted, co-plotted or otherwise conceived of a lot of great stories, but whose muse sometimes goes astray. This is a time when that muse is flatly out of sync with what I would gather the public wants from their comics. And with one of Marvel's top-selling books at risk, it's possible that some of the bean-counters at the top may look at what's going on here and realize that nobody is irreplaceable.

It's the age-old story of artistic integrity versus the almighty dollar, but also about the limitations required by a popular medium. Once the X-Men are no longer just a niche thing, maybe you can't just toy with them as you please, include arcane references to comics nobody read, or make them play out your weird S&M predilections. Sometimes you just have to play ball.