UNCANNY X-MEN #282: Payback

A new player enters the game

Originally Published November 1991

We begin with a game of Chess as the Professor moves his rook into place to get checkmate against Forge. Under the circumstances I would think he should have used a certain other piece but we'll get to that later. Forge is flummoxed -- did the Prof use his telepathy to win? The answer is no -- Forge can invent many things but a winning chess strategy appears not to be among them.

And Forge thought he was being so sneaky, bringing along his portable mutant power nullifier psychic damper to keep Charles from cheating at chess. A little extra, wouldn't you say?

The fun n' games are interrupted by the return of the X-Men. As you may recall, they were ambushed at the Hellfire Club by almighty Trevor Fitzroy and his Sentinels, an attack that claimed the lives of numerous Hellions (Beef, we hardly knew ye), the White Queen Emma Frost, and the X-Men's own Jean Grey, whom Colossus has carried back to the mansion in his arms, which is definitely not how you are supposed to transport a dead or critically injured person. 

The Professor upgrades Jean's condition to "only mostly dead" -- her psyche is still out there, floatihg around in the cloud, likely in the body of some other telepath who may or may not have been nearby.

But... whomst's?

Trevor pays an early morning visit to his friend Shinobi Shaw, parading the dismantled head of Pierce and the unconscious non-dead body of Emma Frost (occupied by Jean) as proof of his victory. Shinobi is nonplussed -- he would have taken his word that Trevor had killed his foes (which I sure wouldn't, having been a lifelong comic reader) and now Trev has leaked motor oil all over Shaw's expensive satin sheets.

Trevor wants his prize -- the ring Shinobi wears and with it, symbolically speaking, leadership of the Upstarts (which, as near as I can figure, is just two guys.) Shinobi says he never agreed to give up the ring, and that if Trevor wants it he can try to take it. Weirdly, he is seemingly surprised when Trevor does just that.

The X-Men prepare an assault on Trevor's iceberg base. Xavier will be tagging along too, despite not having the use of his legs -- his mental powers are needed to smooth over this whole body-swapping fiasco Jean has herself in. Now lettuce commence the mission (get it? Because iceberg? Eh.)

At Icetown, Trevor has a walk-and-talk with his funny little man Bantam, explaining that no, he didn't really unalive the X-Men, but sooner or later, they'll probably show up for a fight, and that's when he'll nail them for realsies. Rather abruptly, a portal opens and Trev and Bantam observe at first two distinct figures coming through, only to be fused into a single horrifying mass.

Trevor eats the mangled beings' energy for brunch, then asks Bantam to explain what has happened. He can't, and John Byrne can't, and Whilce Portacio can't, and Bob Harras can't, and Tom DeFalco can't, and Roger Daltrey can't, and I can't. It's just... a thing that happened.

For serious though, it's Bantam's job to keep track of the portals, but he apparently lost track of this one. He had thought it was spent (due to it being dependent on energy Fitzroy had absorbed prior to opening it -- so now we know what Fitzroy's power is) but that turned out not to be the case. So we're back to square one, with literally nobody knowing what is going on.

As the X-Men circle overhead, Fitzroy eats Tarot for breffis. As anyone would do in such a situation, she informs us that he is killing he-e-e-er.

Same energy

Trev uses some Hellion energy to summon a trio of Ultimate Warriors from the future: Burke, Kroeger and Stylles (they were never the same after Neil Young left, imo.)

Trevor reminds these maniacs of the pact they had entered, that Trevor would free them and then they'd serve Trevor. Kroeger decides he's actually not into Trevor, or pacts, and Fitzroy invites him to take the portal back to the future.

But psych! It turns out the portals are one-way. RIP Kroeger, we really hardly knew ye.

Jean, standing by, feigning unconsciousness in the body of Emma Frost, decides she's had enough of all this and, despite not knowing whether she has any backup or any way of defeating the amassed army on their own turf, decides to show her hand by revealing her telekinetic powers. It's a gambit not quite fit for a Queen, if I do say so myself.

Trevor made sure to study the 1991 Marvel Trading Cards

Luckily for Queen Jean, the X-Men are ready to drop in. The baddies fire on "Emma" as Trevor bemoans the inconsistency in the depiction of her powers, completely incapable of putting two and two together to realize Jean's mind is in Emma's form.

Trevor watches helplessly as the X-Men rout his goon patrol.

That's what I'd like to know, Trevski.

Next up to bat: those badass future Sentinels Trevor has on his side. Unfortunately, the X-Men use "powers" and "teamwork" and "experience" and "being the title characters" to overcome the robots.

Trevor, however, has another trick up his sleeve: remembering he is a mutant with mutant powers, he absorbs more life-energy from his captives (who have been sitting around waiting to get killed while the battle is going on) to open up another portal from the future, through which, surely, more help will arrive.

Me when I eat tacos

And sure enough, more randos arrive, and sure enough, they're complete jabronis who are no match for the X-Men.

Trevor's not ready to give up yet, preparing to throw more and more of his job squad at the heroes until something sticks, but unfortunately, just as Bantam predicted, something comes through the portal that Trevor may not like.

It's...

Hey I know him -- from the cover!

Now, I could have sworn it was established earlier in the comic that more than one person attempting to come through the portal resulted in a mangled mess of an abomination, but what do I know? Something tells me that in the next issue, we'll get some answers.

Specifically this

Further Thoughts:

Is it possible for an inaudible medium to be loud? This was somehow a very loud comic. 

I think my thoughts have been well-established on the Portacio-Byrne partnership and the quality of the comics they create. They're certainly not very cerebral, but that appears to be the last thing the X-Men need at this point. Whether I agree with it or not, stuff like this gets people excited about the X-Men again.

I can honestly say I don't think the level of character and story in these issues of Uncanny X-Men are up to par. I can say that because the sister-title X-Men is blending spectacle and substance really well at the same time, so it's not any kind of prejudice. The thing you need to know about me is that I actually love dumb fun. I first came to the X-Men during Onslaught for Pete's sakes. I had praise for some of the most absurd silver age outings Roy Thomas and others had to offer. I get to say that this is not dumb fun I enjoy experiencing.

But as I've said before, comics like this were not meant to be read 30 years later. They were meant to get your allowance money and give you just enough reason to come back next month. The X-Men are having a moment. It's energizing its audience, it's weird and wild, flashy and unpredictable, and also, it may not necessarily reflect the utmost of craft. There's validity to all of that, and you're not wrong to have warm nostalgic feelings toward it, and you may not even be wrong to think that these are good comics, if that's what meets your tastes. That's something we'll have to process and accept going forward, where my perception of quality, and the reality of the marketplace, are well at odds. 

This is my chosen field of study, and I will just live with it.

Same exact energy, is all I'm saying