UNCANNY X-MEN #321: Auld Lang Syne

Cable lends a hand

Originally Published February 1995

We begin, as always, in Israel, twenty years in the past. What year does that make it? Don't bother counting. It's sometime in the 1900's, as Gen Z's would say, which automatically makes it old and unimportant.

Charles Xavier and Eric Magnus "Future Magneto" Lehnsherr are out for a drink, having a deadass no cap convo about whether this "homo superior" thing is frfr.

Unfortunately, some roustabouts are picking on a disabled veteran, and Charles, who dislikes the mistreatment of the handicapped, decides to intervene.

This leads to a bar fight that extends to page nine of this 22-page comic, the salient point of which is that Charles is, ironically, using violence to pursue his dream of a non-violent future. He sums it up with a very snappy and wise-sounding slogan.

It was that or "Don't sing it, bring it."

Meanwhile in the future, which is the present, but actually our past her on regular Earth I guess, the Shi'ar have whipped up a device that will allow Cable, in conjunction with Jean and Charles, to telepathically travel back to the past and locate the X-Men.

It couldn't be more simple.

Watching on, Gambit and Rogue wonder... should we be helping? Are we part of this?

Should we maybe go get some falafel?

The big thingy sends a giant psychic flash up into the sky. You know it's a big deal because it takes up three quarters of a page.

I don't mind doing big panels for emphasis, but I reserve the right to call it out

Back in Israel, the erstwhile X-Men work as dockers and rack their brains trying to figure out why, exactly, they're here.

Credit to Mark Waid, that's the best thing Bishop's ever said

The team bickers amongst themselves, with Bishop getting antsy that they've been here for three weeks and are no closer to discerning who they are or why they've come here. Storm thinks they just need to wait a little longer.

Elsewhere, Charles and Magnus discuss Chuck's highly inappropriate relationship with Gabrielle Haller. Charles at least admits that it's wrong, but his friend is more supportive: what's a little serious breach of medical ethics compared to true love?

This might be a really nice story to tell your kids one day...

Magnus also reflects on the mystery mutant that has been under their care, who apparently has been progressing for the last three weeks -- good to know that it barely takes more than a fortnight to get "horrifying exhibits of mutant psionic power" under control.

Then again, he might not be so under control as we think...

That's right, Legion has, apparently spontaneously and without any outside prompting, come to remember exactly who he is and what he is here for. Good, I was worried there would actually be a story surrounding this amnesia plot point.

Masquerading as Charles, he... well, I can't even type the words.

The word "gross" comes to mind

Look, at times I have thought to myself "I miss Chris Claremont's X-Men," but not this part of Chris Claremont's X-Men! 

As Charles passes Bishop on the docks, both men unaware of their shared future/past, Xavier hears a psychic cry from Gaby and the two men rush to her aid. Bishop, at that moment, is contacted by a fellow traveler...

Yes, Cable has finally reached twenty-years-ago-minus-three-weeks Israel, and gives Bishop a psychic facepalm to awaken his memories of the future. This telepathic knicknackpaddywhack also extends to the other X-Men, more importantly Psylocke, whose body is so shaken by the effect that she becomes an invertebrate composed entirely of tits and ass.

That's the most important thing, Ron, so make sure it's front and center, and everything else can be blurry in the background.

Back at the hospital, they find a tearful and traumatized Gabrielle, and standing over her, a vengeful figure from the future!

Further Thoughts:

Although I think the issue is thematically on point, showing the bond between young Charles and Magneto to those of us who didn't read Uncanny X-Men #161 12 years earlier (or else just want to see it explored further), it would be easy enough to point out the clunky and rushed way some of the problems set up in previous parts of Legion Quest have been resolved here. Legion has amnesia, until it's time to not have amnesia. Cable makes a five-second appearance in the past to deliver the message of "You are X-Men, go get Legion!" It's clearly not the best use of time, and while Ron Garney is a top level artist, he is not doing top level work here, I'm sorry to say.

But all of that is really just nitpicking, stuff I rib the comic about while I at least enjoy the experience of spending time with my favourite mutants. These complaints are moot next to the deployment of incestuous sexual violence against Gabrielle, which was utterly unnecessary and far too disturbing for a usually family-friendly (albeit pushing the limits of that term) X-Men comic. It's not a subject that the X-Men are prepared to take or are capable of taking seriously, so while it's always exciting to see them taking on prejudice and genocide, this is beyond the limits of good taste just to hammer home what a nutjob Legion is. Unacceptable and unforgivable.

Here's a funny joke to distract you from the jaw-dropping vileness