UNCANNY X-MEN #197: To Save Arcade?!?

Colossus and Shadowcat must work to save... Arcade?!? ...From Dr. Doom?!?

Originally Published September 1985

We begin in a place we have not been in a while... aboard the Zreee Shar, the Imperial Yacht of Shi'ar Majestrix Lilandra. Sometime back the X-Men were adrift in space aboard this vessel and now, somewhat suddenly, Piotr and Kitty find themselves back there sharing in a tender moment only to be abruptly interrupted... by Colossus?!?!

We are clearly being invited to play "what's wrong with this picture" and there are definitely a few things that immediately jump to mind. The last time we saw Colossus and Shadowcat, they were on Earth and would have no reason to be aboard Lilandra's yacht. Also at this point in history they have famously ended their relationship, with Piotr having caught feelings for - and lost - Zsaji, a woman from the Secret Wars Battleworld Planet (action figures and playset sold separately, batteries not included.) Finally, to the best of my knowledge, there actually is only one Colossus.

Piotr dispatches the impostor, only for Kitty to turn into a Brood Queen. He escapes, only to find himself in the arms of his beloved lost Zsaji, who takes on thge grim appearance of death itself. 

Running from that, he arrives back home in Russia, where he re-enacts his first heroic deed from Giant-Size X-Men, saving Illyana from a runaway tractor - only for her to give him a tongue-lashing about how she later became an apprentice to the demon-lord Belasco, reshaped in his image.

Peter wakes up - of course it has only been a dream - reflexively transforming into his armored form and ripping his pajamas. He notices Kitty nearby ("She asked me not to call her Katya anymore) which is strange. They are not in the mansion.

Where do they find themselves, you ask...?

That's right! It's been a minute since we've heard from our favourite psychopathic amusement park proprietor. He explains that someone has put out a contract on him - which would seem to be verified when the three of them are attached by a small heatseeking missile locked onto Arcade's presence. (Shadowcat and Colossus use teamwork to defuse it -- well, to detonate it away from harm.)

That someone, Arcade says - is Dr. Doom, who is apparently going to try to kill Arcade here in Murderworld today in recompense for the fallout from their last encounter. Hence, he has kidnapped Shadowcat and Colossus as protection. He even gives them the old "Miss Locke has your loved ones, so do as I say or they will get it," which Kitty shrugs off, saying it never works (even though it has always proven a pretty effective motivator in the past.) Kitty is sharp enough to know that Arcade is a con man and a liar and is probably hiding something; she decides they just need to play along until the time is right. 

Meanwhile, in Lower Manhattan, Jaime Rodriguez grabs lunch with his new friend Nimrod, whom he has scored a job at the fishmarket. The diner just happens to be the scene of a stickup, which proves unlucky for the robbers, as Nimrod is empowered - by virtue of being a robot from the future - to pass judgment and execute sentence.

This further cements Nimrod's status as a hero of the people, who are relieved the danger has passed and aren't at all concerned about a little thing like extrajudicial killing carried out by a capricious and unknowable robot from the future.

Back in Murderworld, Arcade outfits the his two X-Men protectors with some of his patented lifelike simulacra - robots that look like and behave like X-Men - to help him fend off Doom's big attack, which takes the form of a train that transforms into a badass Doom monster robot.

Gotta give it to the guy, he excels at branding.

The Robo X-Men fight valiantly against this "two-footed tank" as well as some jets and faceless mooks, but prove less than totally effective in their construction.

The flesh and blood X-Men present fare better, but Colossus makes a slight tactical error and sends Doom himself right to Arcade's control center.

Colossus throws Shadowcat over to them via a Fastball special and rushes behind, but arrives late, only to find Doom standing triumphant over a defeated - dead - Kitty, with Arcade next.

Unless...

As it turns out, the Kitty that was fighting side by side with Piotr through the battle was another robot, the real Shadowcat was with Arcade almost the whole time, just in case Doom made it past the robo-X-Men.

But now it's time to find out who's really inside that Doom armour...

That's right, it's Arcade's Bad Janet herself, Miss Locke! But... why?!

Well folks, seems these two have a funny little tradition. Every year on Arcade's birthday, Locke is allowed to try as hard as she can to kill him. Obviously, Locke shares her employer's flair for dramatics, otherwise I suspect this cockamamie Doom scheme would not have been her go-to.

Kitty and Piotr are a little nonplussed at being used in this manner, but decide it's best to shrug it off. As usual, they opt not to get John Law involved because of the unspoken rule of What happens to mutants stays among mutants, which even extends to psychopathic human assassins using them to achieve their own ends. And sure, they were really in danger, and forced to help one of their deadliest enemies under false pretenses, but Colossus did manage to work through some of his issues and it killed 22 pages, so where's the harm?

Elsewhere, on the Serengeti, we find a familiar friend.

 

That's right gang - Storm is alive and well - and ready for the next round!

 

Further Thoughts:

Colossus is a character who has really been lost in the shuffle over the last several years. He was on the verge of developing into a real complex character prior to the Dark Phoenix Saga, as he grappled with his place in the X-Men, his feelings about his powers, and the duty he felt to take Proteus' life. But somewhere along the way, he started to fall out of the narrative and become more two-dimensional. Yes, he was always around as a supporting player in Kitty's life, and when you are writing superhero action it is good to have the big strong guy who can turn into metal, but along the way we lost touch with who Piotr Rasputin really is. He was only shaken out of this status quo by the Secret Wars incident, and even that certainly didn't put him in the company of well-rounded characters like Storm, Wolverine, Kitty, or dare I say Cyclops.

He probably will never get there, but it's nice to take the opportunity to touch base with him in moments like this, or the Juggernaut issue. The book has too big a cast to serve every character equally, and Colossus has been around long enough that he has long since fallen by the wayside compared to newer toys like Rogue and Rachel, and maybe that's okay.

Elsewhere in this issue, we also touched base with Scott and Madelyne - seems Cyclops has been contacted by Professor X, and he has some mixed feelings about that, but he's definitely someone whose duty always calls to him. We are reminded, however, that the love between Scott and his wife Madelyne is unchanging, eternal, the primary driver in his life, unbreakable for any reason, and something he remains devoted to for all time.

Considering how heavy this book can get sometimes, I appreciated the relatively lightweight one-off superhero excursion here. Was the premise a little wacky? Sure, but that's to be expected from a guy like Arcade, who trades in goofball antics. There's always an enjoyable thread of "Things are not what they seem" when he shows up. On that note, the issue acknowledges that the Doom we met in the earlier story was not the genuine article but an officially licensed Doombot that was acting on its own. (This was a retcon from John Byrne, now writing the Fantastic Four and displeased at the way Claremont handled "his" character; and reading Doom in that issue, I don't totally disagree.) But mentioning it here helps set the stage for another fake Doom, even if Arcade vaguely says "Things are different this time." They sure are.

The "kill me on my birthday" deal is actually borrowed from a planned running plotline between Wolverine and Sabretooth - two characters who haven't had a chance to meet in these pages yet but were designed from the outset to be linked by Chris Claremont and John Byrne. That actually ended up happening with them, too, in the pages of a backup story in Classic X-Men.  

Also, is anyone surprised that Arcade does kinky stuff with his X-Men robots? He's definitely had sex with them, right?