UNCANNY X-MEN #244: Ladies' Night

The X-Women hit the mall -- and the mall hits back!

Originally Published May 1989

We begin in the magical world of La-La Land, the City of Angels, the Smoggy Apple: Los Angeles. Specifically, we turn our attention to the Hollywood Mall, where a strange young woman is putting on an impressive show:

In this case, Barf-butt is correct. This motor-mouthed young lady is a mutant we soon learn is named Jubilee ("with me, every day's a celebration!") She has the power to create "articulate, quasi-animate transitory plasmoids" -- pieces of raw energy that she can summon, direct however she wants, and evaporate into nothingness on cue.

But you know what, that's a lot to remember, I'm just going to call them "fireworks" from now on.

This kid gets it.

Unfortunately, Jubes does not have her mall vendor's license, so some of the local rent-a-cops take exception to the way she's causing a scene, and threaten to shut her down.

Jubilee is able to outrun the Blart Squad, being that the mall is virtually an extension of herself. She also has "aces" gymnast technique from her time at Beverly Hills Prep.

Mall Cop Lou realizes that this young mutant may be out of his league. Luckily, he spots a very timely ad for something called "M-Squad."

Meanwhile back in the Land Down Under, there's trouble at the ole X-Ranch.

Rogue is sending furniture flying every which way, knocking Storm out of the sky and into Betsy's tub where she just happens to be enjoying a nice hot gratuitous nude scene bubble bath.

Happens to me all the time.

The reason for the outburst? Seems our Southern belle X-Lady is having a little disagreement with her roommate on decorating choices. And worst of all, that roommate lives inside of her brain.

Got to admit, it's a little bougie.

Rogue pleads with Psylocke to do a repair job on her psyche and evict Carol once and for all. Psylocke points out it's not that simple, not to mention questionable ethical since Carol there is a whole-ass person. Rogue has a fit, accusing them all of liking Carol better and wishing she never had absorbed the totality of Carol's identity into her own. Storm points out that you should have thought of that before you basically murdered a person.

Obviously, this is something of a delicate situation -- Rogue didn't ask to be a walking weapon whose slightest touch could mean the death of a whole person, and she may not have meant to do the crime, but she did. Problem is, nobody around her seems to be able to move past it.

And, um-- sorry, right now is probably the best time to acknowledge that for some reason, Dazzler is colored purple all through this issue. I have no idea if she's majorly sunburnt, or suffering hypoxia, or what, but nobody comments on it. Usually Glynis Oliver is better than this, so I don't know what's what.

Anyway. Rogue is about to storm off in a huff, but Carol puts her in time-out -- which, considering that's exactly the sort of thing that's got her so upset, may do more harm than good.

As it turns out, Rogue has not been coping well since the chaos and trauma of Inferno, and the X-Men having their souls minorly twisted, so Carol has been taking the lead a bit more often lately. Unfortunately, the differences between the two women -- from their attitudes to their personal styles -- are hard to reconcile.

This opens up an opportunity for Dazzler to tell us all about the importance of self-care, or else they are completely emptying themselves out to the mission of protecting human and mutantkind and not making life worth living for themselves. And of course, since this is the 80's and this is a group of four women, there's only one cure for the doldrums:

You are now required to listen to "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" while reading the remainder of the issue

Yes, and so Dazz has Gateway zap this fighting feminine foursome to the very Hollywood Mall we had seen earlier for an afternoon of fun, fashion and frolicking.

First up, the salon, where all the ladies get fresh new 'dos for the 90s. Car-ogue gets a hairspray-intensive blowout, Storm get an ultra-straightened she-mullet, and Betsy gets the Rick James Jheri-spectacular.

Change Psylocke's look? Okay fine, but just this once.

Next, makeovers!

Sorry, I don't believe Ororo, Queen of the Mascara Wings, is any stranger to a make-up chair

And of course, shoe-shopping!

And lest we forget, a dressing room montage where the women compete to look like the babes from your favourite Whitesnake videos!

All the while, the M-Squad has arrived and are sniffing around looking for this dangerous renegade mutant fiend who has been (checks notes) entertaining the shoppers.

Speaking of whom, young Jubilee has taken notice of the quartet of Glamazonian warrior princesses who materialized straight out of a wall and therefore must be "special" like her (honestly not a bad deduction.)

And if these M-Squadders look familiar to you, that's because they're Drs. Martin, Snodgrass, Shiner and Milan, previously seen as Ghostsniffers in the early goings of Inferno. We thought they had been eaten to death by the elevator at Rockefellar Plaza, but nope! They got spat out with funky new gear that may not have been tested but is likely to produce results in finding, and eliminating, mutant pests.

This is of no concern to the X-Gals, though, as Dazzler continues to guide them through her personal brand of fun by pushing Storm onstage with a Chippendale's dancer.

But outside, Jubilee -- who was hoping to follow her new idols into the strip show -- is rebuffed, and soon cornered by the Squad.

Jubilee gets caught in the M-Squad's ray beams (as opposed to their Egon beams) and can't even user her own powers to escape. The beams begin to pull her into the Big Machine Thingy -- the Mutant Containment Grid -- which looks like a paper shredder crossed with a Baleen whale's face, and is also one of the Squad's hilariously un-tested devices.

The ladies take notive and begin to take care of the situation. As the others are dawn into a firefight with the M-Squad, Psylocke proceeds to extricate Jubilee from the grid's pull, rhapsodizing all the while about this being the answer to the question of why the X-Men are needed -- who else will defend young mutants like this one?

Psylocke saves Jubilee from her fate (ending up dead "just like mom n' dad" which would be a hell of a coincidence if this is how they died.) Storm uses a hurricane wind to propel the grid up into the sky where Dazzler administers a destructive final blow.

Soon after, our heroes watch as the M-Squad get their reprimand from the authorities. They've been unable to locate the mysterious girl, who slipped away in the chaos, and need to head back through the portal.

Of course, Jubilee was actually hiding right around the corner, and decides that the portal staying open a moment longer is in fact absolutely an invitation -- so off she goes!

Faster than you can say "articulate, quasi-animate transitory plasmoids," she's gone.

 

Further Thoughts:

This was a pretty dynamic introduction for our newcomer Jubilee. When you bring in a new character, it's good to show what makes them special, not just their powers, but also how they handle themselves, what they bring to the table, and just what makes them tick. We know she may be an inexperienced teenage girl from California, hardly a hardened combat veteran, but she can take care of appropriately-scaled enemies with her powers, and her craftiness. She's brash and motor-mouthed, but also a little lonely and certainly insecure based on her response to meeting four pinch-waisted model-caliber women as drawn by Marc Silvestri. 

A timely reference for your average teen girl here in 1989

The issue is a really fun breather issue, and while it maybe overplays how "out of their element" the non-Dazzler women are at the mall, it's a good time, and the jokes are what they are, and the M-Squad are harmless goofs to set them up against. After a year that saw them battle the Brood, Genosha and now spending an intense several months in Infeno, it does some good to take the pressure off for a few outings.