UNCANNY X-MEN #248: The Cradle Will Fall!

No way. They wouldn't. Would they?

Originally Published September 1989

We begin with... death!

That's right, unless my eyes are deceiving me, that's Wolverine, formerly the best he is at what he does, and currently a battered, bloodied, perforated heap of carcass. Well, it was a great run but all things must come to an end. Surely Marvel will whip up another breakout character to anchor their top franchise for the new decade.

Damn, got me again. My eyes were deceiving me, this was in fact only a robotic simulacrum representing Wolverine being used as target practice. And who's inflicting this robot-on-robot violence? It's the new cybernetic supergroup on the block, the deadly combo of Prettyboy, Bonebreaker, Skullbuster, former Hellfire Stooge Donald Pierce, plus Wolverine's old friends Lady Deathstrike, Cole, Macon and Reese. This lot have come together under a moniker you might find familiar...

And while my tone may be characteristically flippant, rest assured these baddies are not to be taken lightly. Deathstrike and her body shoppe boys took Wolverine to his limit sometime ago, Donald Pierce is a schemer with hatred, ambition and cunning nearly on par with Sebastian Shaw, and the original Reavers are total psychos who know where the X-Men live. I absolutely believe it when they tell me there is a serious storm brewing here.

But later for that as we turn our attention to another place -- in fact, another plane of existence altogether.

Our Lucky Longshot is caught in the middle of not just a love triangle, but some kind of... four-sided object (do they have a name for those?) with Dazzler, Rogue, and the lovely Ricochet Rita (for more info about her, check out the Longshot mini-series back in 1985! Or anything with the X-Babies in it lately.)

Unfortunately also crashing the party is Spiral, who seems to have no great love for our resident stuntman.

And, as all too often seems to be the case, Longshot lays bare some of his own insecurities and complexes when he the ladies gripe that everyone he loves he kills, but he -- transforming into a monstrous, bloated, Mojo-like figure of spineless self-absorption -- points out that that can't be true, for a very good reason...

Woah, man! Deep!

But, forsooth, the dream ends and we see Storm sitting with Gateway, apparently having been an invited spectator to this affair. 

But it seems that on some level we are still in the dream as Storm sees Longshot -- an insubstantial version of him, anyway -- gathering up pieces of himself.

Seems Longshot is feeling a little... incomplete lately. As a man without a past, he wonders where he came from, who he is, and whether he has a purpose.

And so, our alien boy-man has decided it's time to strike out on his own and find out exactly who Longshot is: only then can he be a true friend to the X-Men.

Little does anyone realize, the X-Men are being watched.

Meet Nanny and Orphanmaker. As we saw briefly at the end of the previous issue, Nanny knows that the X-Men are in danger from the encroaching Reavers, and she intends to save them, to protect them as a good nanny does.

And what is her absolutely straightforward and perfectly normal-seeming modus operandi?

Why, by de-aging them into children, of course! What else is a nanny to do?

Nanny and the childlike Orphanmaker grab Psylocke, Havok and (still super-tanned) Dazzler and enlist them as their charges, outfitting their now-underaged body with decidedly adult mecha battlesuits (Why? Because!). 

They work to strongarm the remaining two X-Peoples, Storm and Colossus, into joining their daycare circle. Storm and Colossus fight back, but it doesn't help the holdouts that their friends still have Psylocke's telepathy at their disposal.

While searching the house, Nanny also happens upon the X-Men's resident phrogger, Jubilee, who uses her gymnastic skills to get away from the sinister would-be parent or guardian...

Blasting her with a face full of her trademark pyrotechnics for good measure to secure her getaway.

Storm is able to capitalize on this unexpected advantage (while still never becoming aware that Jubilee is actually there) by sending Colossus down on a gust of wind to clean her, and Orphanmaker's, clocks.

Unfortunately, Nanny's Mechababies have been well-prepared and manage to snag Storm.

But there are reasons why you don't put all your trust in underlings with the literal minds of small children, as they fall prey to an ice storm courtesy of Ororo.

Nanny and Orphan-Maker make a getaway in their ship but Storm gives chase. Nanny reveals that she managed to steal some of the X-Men's surveillance tech, which is actually able to see the X-Men -- meaning once again these heroes are not invisible to technology, and so much the worse for it.

Colossus is able to free a very confused (but as it turns out, still physically adult) Havok from his battlesuit. Seeing Storm in danger, he feels conflicting urges -- obey Nanny, protect his friend -- and does the only thing that comes to mind, the only thing he can do.

"Nailed it!"

The three woozy X-Men join Colossus in searching for any sign of their leader, but the news is grim.

Further Thoughts:

It's worth noting that this issue features the first X-Men work of Jim Lee, who will not only become a major force as an X-Men creator in years to come, but will be partly responsible for some huge shake-ups for this book, Marvel, and the comic industry as a whole at the dawn of the 90's.

Nanny is, shall we say, a very offbeat character for the book, from her imagery and appearance, to her trademark de-aging gimmick, to her entire motivation to protect the X-Men by taking them under her wing. (A bad guy who does physical transformations and mind control? In a Chris Claremont comic? You don't say...) It does feel like there are a couple of missing beats in this story, like how Nanny even became aware that the X-Men were in trouble (she's spying on Pierce, but why and what for?) and what her powers are even meant to do -- what is the deal with kid-brains in kid-bodies in adult-sized battle suits? But often in comics, especially in Chris Claremont comics, you just kind of take it as it comes and acknowledge that that's where the writer's guiding star led him.

A few weeks ago, I was preparing to make dinner, slicing onions on a mandolin I had received for Christmas. I've probably used this thing nearly every week since I got it. As I was taking the mandolin out of its box and setting it up, I fumbled somewhat and felt the blade slice across the tip of my finger and wound up going to the emergency room. I've been preparing meals for years, usually using sharp kitchen knives, and hardly a scratch on myself. Then I made one false move and what was fixing to be a very ordinary, even dull night, became a veritable bloodbath.

This comic reminded me a little bit of that experience. Nanny is a weird, quirky antagonist for the X-Men, who have gone up against cosmic foes and fearsome mutant-killing robots and all manner of evil mutants and recently a demon sorceress. This was fixing to be a very low-stakes caper, but just as the cover promises, however improbably, Havok basically ends up killing Storm here. One false move...

There's a lot going on here overall, since Havok has always been skittish about the possibility that he might wind up killing someone with his power, which makes this outcome all the more poignant. Early on in this issue, our attention is drawn to the Reavers, who are clearly fixing to make a move, and we think that since a big confrontation is coming, the X-Men are safe until at least then, especially having just lost Rogue.

It's bold, to pile on that kind of shocking twist one right after another, and it helps solidify that this is a book you need to be taking seriously, paying attention to, and not take for granted. There never has been a status quo for these mutants, they are always losing people, running, leaving, changing. In this very issue, we've already said goodbye to Longshot.

About Longshot's departure, I have to say that's probably his finest moment in the series. I don't think I've ever made a secret of the fact that I never felt he fit in with the book. His amnesia and his pureheartness basically don't leave a lot to work with as a character and he became very one-note in a book that is largely interested in holding a microscope to its characters in a way comic books traditionally don't. His flatness stood out as really exaggerated in contrast to all of his teammates' depths. That may have been the point, but it didn't make him fit better. A few issues ago, when Chris Claremont had him refer to himself with concern that he was the "piece that doesn't fit," my response was "Oh, honey... yes."

Longshot wasn't made to be an X-Men character. Claremont was game to try using him for the past couple of years -- adding levity to a period for the book where it started to become increasingly grim and serious -- but the writer's instinct for how to bring out the best in characters missed this one. I don't even think Longshot is a bad character, I just think the dial wasn't tuned to the proper frequency for this book. This issue's dream sequence and his stated reasons for going were great, well-defined and observed moments that actually showed some of the character's finer qualities, but it doesn't make me feel like we're missing something without him in the book.

What now though? There seem to be dark things ahead for the X-Men, having lost three members in various ways in only two months. It's a turbulent time and I'm into it.