UNCANNY X-MEN #250: The Shattered Star

The X-Men infiltrate the Savage Land to rescue Lorna Dane from her sister Zala Dane!

 

Originally Published October 1989

We begin with penetration.

Sorry, let me rephrase that... we begin with thrusting.

No, no, wait, sorry that's just as bad. What I mean to say is that a mysterious erection has come.

Damnit, I just read that out loud. Okay, the point is this tower... which only sort of resembles human male genitalia... has broken through from below the surface of the Antarctic ice. This is the palace of Zaladane, who has captured some Soviet Scientists stationed on the continent. The tower houses some of the technology that Zal got from the High Evolutionary during their recent scuffle, including the much-vaunted Trans-Mutator, which she intends to use on -- presumably to trans-mutate -- her newly-revealed sister Lornadane. This technology, however is dangerous -- it is far beyond the understanding of even the greatest geniuses among us. Of course I speak of... Brainchild.

No matter how many developments there are in the X-Men, no matter where the story takes them or how it develops, I feel like we are never, ever, ever going to get away from the Savage Land Mutates. You know them and you love them: Barbarus, Gaza, Amphibius, Lupo, and my guy Brainchild here, with a genius intellect and the emotional development of a small child. Do not engage him on Twitter.

Brainchild warns against using completely untested technology, but Zaladane's Youtube channel gets a lot of likes for her "First Time Using ________ Mysterious Alien Technology." vids, so there's no turning back.

Luckily for Lorna, her sometime-boyfriend Alex, aka the X-Man known as Havok, has stealthily embedded himself with Lorna's horde, perfectly incognito and blending in, waiting for the exact best time to strike.

Unfortunately, literally everyone here already knew who he was and has merely agreed to pretend he was getting away with it. He is summarily curbstomped by the Mutates, especially Lupo, who has a personal vendetta against Havok, killer of his prized warbirds.

Barbarus actually has to restrain Lupo, pushing his buttons by calling his co-worker and fellow mutate "Little Teddy Bear."

The social dynamics at play with these mutates is wild.

Alex is given a front row seat to Lorna's trans-mutation. 

The Soviets are brought to one of Zaladane's other palaces and given to Worm, a mutate who has the power to encase people in a translucent shell that enables him to control their every move, albeit not their thoughts, causing them to watch in horror as their bodies are forced to perform tasks against their will.

Also... ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

Outside the fortress, the remaining X-Men -- Colossus, Dazzler and Psylocke -- are observing, trying to determine what their next move is.

For Psylocke, who just yesterday was lobbying for a role as leader of the X-Men, the answer is simple: take a dip.

Betsy, all this swimming is getting to be a bit of a hazard.

Colossus goes after her but finds that something is compelling him to use his strength... for murder!

And this is why you always go swimming with a buddy, and another buddy in case the first buddy is remote controlled into drowning you.

Colossus is unfortunately another victim of Worm's yucky body-control goo. He pleads with Dazzler to use her powers to cut him off, but the disco Diva is shellshocked from her last experience doing the same thing, which led to the loss of Rogue.

Unfortunately, her equivocation leaves her as open prey, yet again, for Worm. As Betsy struggles for her life underwater, all appears lost...

But as she seems to draw her last breath, the world fades and she finds herself... elsewhere.

But this is no respite, as Betsy is treated to an even grimmer vision of things to come -- that's right, worse than her current predicament of being drowned by her friend!

She runs, and finds Gateway -- chained and gagged (you know, to stop that chatterbox from blabbing too much exposition.) He offers an enigmatic solution...

Could it be? The mysterious cosmic jewel that would let the X-Men escape any danger and get a fresh start might somehow enable the X-Men to escape the impending danger and get a fresh start? I've heard crazier theories, but not much.

Back in reality, Lorna and Alex are chained up in the old school dungeon of Zaladane's futuristic HQ, where that Incel Chud Brainchild tells Lorna to smile more.

They are at the mercy of Zaladane's servants, especially since the trans-mutation process seems to have stripped Lorna of her powers, as well as the presence of evil body-possessing Marauder Malicd, and they've got Alex doped up on leaf gas, so he's no help either.

That said, once Lorna has been pushed to the brink, she exhibits strange new strength that surprises even her, perhaps as a result of her recent trans-mutation!

Up top, Zaladane has gathered her new captives, the X-Trio, as well as Ka-Zar, Shanna the She-Devil, Nereel, and their various children -- and I just know how you feel, because we're 17 pages into this Savage Land adventure, and we've all been asking, "Where's Nereel??!"

Cruelly, Zaladane has Worm use Colossus to threaten Nereel's child, who coincidentally, is also named Peter.

But-- Psylocke, frozen within her candy shell, has been using her psychic powers to guide Alex and Lorna up, where they make a surprise entrance. Zaladane is gagged over this, since Lornadane is supposed to be de-powered, not re-powered with a whole new set of abilities!

She sics Colossus on her, but Lorna's response is a hearty "Not on tonight!"

In the chaos, Li'l Peter picks up a ray gun. Psylocke guides him to fire it at Worm, knocking him out and stopping his demented puppet show.

As chaos breaks out, Havok spots Zaladane levitating above the scene. He thinks quickly how much easier this would have gone if he had un-alived her when he had the chance. So, he takes his shot...

Zaladane is ready to deflect using some of the power she has stolen from Polaris, but unfortunately, she is unschooled in the ways of magnetism and doesn't brace herself properly.

And that's why you always do the safety modules!

With the head honcho knocked out, the X-Men make short-work of the stooges and fly away on a hovercar with their fellow hostages. Once he's totally sure only bad guys are left inside, Alex decides to take a parting shot at Zaladane's citadel (his trademark move).

But the place has an energy shield around it, indicating that Zaladane is still conscious inside. Well, you win some you lose some.

Dazzler is shocked at how easily Alex was able to basically decide to murder a building full of people, and Alex responds by saying "Yeah, well, they had it coming."

The question still remains: If Zaladane is still running the Savage Land, what is it going to take to get her out? Psylocke resolves that it may be for the best if the X-Men stay in the Savage Land and help mop that up once and for all. After all, she has a terrible secret, her vision that if the X-Men return to Australia, they may very well die.

Unfortunately just as she's about to speak, there's a strange flash of light, and...

Further Thoughts:

I promised myself I was going to read every single issue of Uncanny X-Men, in good times and bad, and report back to you here. And I know it gets far worse than this in the years to come, but it must be said that as of yet, considering the roll that Claremont and Silvestri have been on, this represents one of the first times I find my endurance flagging. The last few stories, featuring Mastermold and Nanny, had the air of "this is pretty random and minor" but were buoyed by solid storytelling and ultimately, major events within the issue.

The Savage Land has been a staple of the X-Men comics going back to its introduction in the early Lee-Kirby issues and solidified when Roy Thomas and Neal Adams had the X-Men take a tour there. But even thought it's a cool primordial Jurassic Park setting with all the attending mix-and-match dinosaurs, prehistoric tribes and sorcerous cults to boot -- along with being the only place to see Amphibius -- the Savage Land just isn't that interesting to this reader in practice. These stories have a tendency to get bogged down in some major force or other struggling for dominion of a place on Earth that is literally the most remote and by design not going to affect anything outside of its little bubble. Genosha may not be a big place on a map, or even a real place you can go, but it represents a solid allegory for the messages at work in X-Men comics. Zaladane, by contrast, is just this week's villain, twirling her metaphorical mustache. And since we're in the Savage Land, we get that obligatory Ka-Zar appearance, as well as Claremont's fave Nereel, who are barely around to do anything. Putting in Special Guest Stars who barely Guest Star (and aren't event that Special), is always a point of frustration. The fight itself, yet another twist on the X-Men getting brainwashed (well in this case I suppose bodywashed?) is de rigeur. (I'm guessing Psylocke was under Worm's control when she decided randomly to go swimming?)

Add to that, this business of her turning out to be Lorna Dane's sister, adding a further wrinkle to the question of "Just who is that sweet kid Lorna anyway?" a mystery that ends up doing more harm to comics in the long run than good. It's barely explained or explored, but it is an excuse to realign Lorna's powerset (what a coincidence, she now fights very much like our dear departed Rogue minus the flying -- oh wait, she wasn't one of the X-people zapped back to Australia.)

It's strange that the 250th issue is such a throwaway when the X-Men is very keen on "Nth Issue Spectaculars." Clearly, with all of the ominous visions of things to come that some kind of big shake-up is in line for the X-Men. This isn't that though, this is merely this week's issue.