UNCANNY X-MEN #311: Putting the Cat Out

The Tooth is Loose!

Originally Published April 1994

We begin with a little routine maintenance, as Beast takes some time to run a diagnostic on the energy matrix that powers the whole mansion (you know, with its Danger Rooms and its Cerebros and its secret jets and infinite salad bar and everything) which is made of fundamentally unknowable Shi'ar Technology. So he might have a night ahead of him.

Jubilee, is somewhat inconvenienced, as she is particularly eager to make it to the late night double feature picture show.

Not even Iceman is available to escort her out, because he's been tasked with increasing the security in the Medlab ever since the comatose body of Emma Frost was assaulted by the X-Cutioner.

Outside, Bishop is meditating in the snow, reflecting on his lost sister Shard and absorbing energy from the snow as it melts against his body. Allegedly, he can use this release of energy to level grind his zappy powers, but I'm not sure that's how it works. Then again, we're in a world with blasty powers.

Ororo happens upon him, on her way out to meet an "old friend" in New York. Bishop confides that he's ready to stop living in the past (our future) and embrace the present (his past.) Ororo wishes him well. To convince all of us on this, he lobs a snowball at Storm as she flies away, which is really a fight he doesn't want to be getting into.

In the Med Bat, Bobby laments the fact that such a Fierce Queen as Emma is simply lying unconscious, her body wasting away, when Hank comes on the commlink to note that there may be worse after-effects after Magneto's worldwide electromagnetic pulse than had been previously believed. And with that...

A strange pink glow envelops Iceman and Emma, but I'm sure it's fine. More pressing is the fact that the mansion's security is offline, meaning you know, certain individuals who need to be kept under maximum security conditions may be able to roam free and victimize the few X-Men who remain behind...

Talkin' bout this guy

...particularly underaged, underpowered, inexperienced female ones, who may have a special personal bond with Sabretooth's sworn enemy.

Talkin' bout this gal

Bishop, now back at the mansion, springs into action. He runs through the mansion trying to absorb every spare bit of energy he can, which is tough since they are quite literally experiencing a power outage.

Jubilee fends off her tormentor as best she can, in her inimitably Jubilastic way...

But that really just provokes him further, like when you're trying to swat a fly and miss, so you go get the can of Raid to get the sumbitch but good.

Luckily, Bishop arrives in ostentatious fashion.

With Sabes sent scampering to the normally-secured exit to the Morlock Tunnels, Bishop notes that that this encounter has rattled Jubilee's typically-stoic exterior.

Bishop gives chase while, back at the mansion's power core, Bet tries to prevent the entire house from blowing up in a cosmic explosion of death.

In the tunnels, where Bishop once upon a time in the future learned the secret dark fate of the X-Men (which we really don't talk enough about), the former captain of the X.S.E. looks for trouble, and gets it.

Sabes and Bish come to a standoff: Creed doesn't think Bishop will kill him, but Bishop reminds him and us that he absolutely would and could but that in the same way he was following the letter of the law in his home time, he will observe the current non-Judge Dredd rules by letting Sabretooth live (even though their whole imprisonment of him doesn't seem totally legal to start with [and also I think he came there willingly? Why's he always trying to escape, buyers remorse?])

Sabretooth declares his intent to call Bishop's bluff -- if he has any power blast left in him, which Tooth doubts, he needs to use it before Sabretooth rips Bishop's skin off with his bare hands.

But before we can find out, Sabretooth is felled from behind: Jubilee found an industrial strength taser that was being kept on hand for just such occasions.

This is why you need to pay attention to the training modules for when your prisoners escape

Beast confirms that the meltdown has been averted, which like, oh yeah, that was totally going to be a thing, and everything is wrapped up into a neat little package (assuming they can get the 700-pound serial face-ripper back to his cell.) They wonder, idly, what ever happened to Iceman, but I don't think any of us are too concerned about his wellbeing.

Meanwhilst, down in New York City, Ororo is having a reunion with her good Judy Yukio.

...but not before thinking back on her wild younger days when she was a punk with a mohawk. "Boy, what was I thinking," she thinks, "Only an idiot would dress me like that, sure glad that impulse, which I now think was totally out of character, has passed, and I can dress this way, which I like."

Character development what is that, I want to be exactly what I was when Scott Lobdell was a teenager

Unfortunately, this whole outing has been a sham, a cunning ruse to get Ororo away from the other X-Men so that she can be attacked by... these guys!

That's right it's...

Actually I have no idea, they don't tell us what their names are. They're some freaky-deaky looking techno-aliens or something.

Uhhh... to be continued I guess?

Further Thoughts:

In case you thought you were going to get one up on me, don't worry I actually do know the names of these alien guys, it's all what's called a "bit" that I whipped up because their identity and nature is not really made clear to readers of this comic. The whole reveal is weirdly clunky and underwhelming, like something out of the kind of movie you would see on MST3K. "Yes, we are bad aliens, here to hurt you, mwa ha ha." It would seem awkward anytime but particularly stings after what had been a really solid issue.

Setting a young and inexperienced mutant alone in the mansion against an unstoppable threat has certainly been a memorable premise for X-Men comics before, and while this issue doesn't quit reach the heights of those ones, it's an exciting and interesting diversion from the recent issues. This is something we all knew was coming sooner or later when Sabretooth moved into the house (and man, it did not take long.) The issue is more about Bishop though, which is fine -- I actually think Lobdell has a really good handle on him as a character, but that definitely puts the story more on the plane of "here's some really cool superhero action" rather than anything elevated. That said, I think John Romita Jr. f l e x e s on the suspense of the issue as best he can within the context of a 1994 X-Men comic, and the tension in the final moment as Sabretooth dares Bishop to finish him off -- if he can, and if he can allow himself to -- is top notch. The fact that we don't know what would have happened had Jubilee not been there adds something resonant and gives the story a reason to be. So it was elevated: don't listen to earlier me.