UNCANNY X-MEN #312: Romp

Yukio and Storm go Mecha!

Originally Published May 1994

When we last left off, Storm and her Sapphic sister Yukio were cornered at a Manhattan Night Club by some grim-faced and mysterious robot dudes clearly intent on putting a hurt on them.

But in the time between that moment and this one, something seems to have changed about them...

I can't quite put my finger on it, but you see it too, right?

Is it just that Yukio's been doing Booty Blast Boot Camp?

Anyhoodles, Storm and Yukio defenestrate themselves while the mystery robots blastaway at their targets. They attempt to lure Storm nad Yukio back with prolific exposition, which you would have to be within firing range to hear, I assume. Cunning plan, evil robot guys.

They identify as The Phalanx (they/them), and they make it absolutely clear that they are implacable alien robot creatures here to assimilate mutants and destroy the world, in case you were curious.

You heard it here first, folks -- evil alien robot men bent on assimilation, a wholly original and unique idea from the brain of Scott Lobdell.

Storm and Yukio duke it out with their pursuers, finding them a tough batch of cookies to crumble. Meanwhile, Gambit, whom we know is in town from the previous issue, takes a moment to get his horndog on by scamming on a foxy mamacita at a traffic stop, not creepy at all.

Oh, I know what's different -- in the last issue it was snowing, but in this one it's all clear! What a goof.

After a blast from the Phalanx leaves Yukio the worse for wear, she and her very good friend Storm have something approximating a tender moment.

Yukio speaks fluent Lobdellian Banter as a second language

Having witnessed the destruction of a Phalanck at Storm's hand, a nearby racist human decides to step up and beat the debris down even more, to prove that we normal human Joe the Plumber types don't need any no-good, woke-ass mutant superheroes to protect us.

He gets what's coming to him when the Phalanx wakes back up and gobbles him down.

The struggle begins anew, with the Phalanx promising that once Storm and the X-Men are assimilated, all of their hopes and dreams will become the Phalanx's, which I think is meant to sound like a threat but comes off honestly aspirational.

Ugh, and they call women "females"? That's how you know they are bad

Gambit rides in on his Harley to join the fête.

Somehow immediately sensing the Phalanx's "deal" without having been present for any of the explanation or the rest of the fight, Gambit throws his motorcycle into the enemy. The Phalanx is happy about this, saying "Nyahaha, you fools -- now I have all these powers, plus a motorcycle inside of me" but Gambit smirks, "Dat mean you also be havin' de gasoline inside o' you, mon petit chou"

He ba-raka-ka-booms it

There was like 300 gallons of gasoline in that bike

The heroes get away, rendezvousing at the last place a technologically-based, metal-eating evil alien would want them to be: a decommissioned battleship (specifically the U.S.S. Intrepid floating museum.) Yukio and Gambit have a moment because it seems Yuki has had some previous dealings with Gambi during his days as a t'ief. She warns Storm not to trust him, but Storm is like "It's too late for that, I already do trust him."

The hot chick from earlier shows up, and guess what? She's part of the National Security Council, who have been trailing these Phalanxes for several many months, during their previous appearances in Uncanny X-Men.

That's very useful I guess -- I wonder if she will have any suggestions on what to do when the Phalanx arrives at the boat and eats it to become super mecha Phalanx?

It turns out she does -- if you can't beat 'em, join em!

What a twist on a twist!

Back at the mansion, Beast leads the attempt to revive Iceman, which unfortunately proves successful.

As to why Iceman is babbling about things pertinent to Emma Frost, the world-class telepath he was found unconscious near, who has executed at least one body swap in the past, I could not, even with all my experience reading X-Men comics, begin to speculate.

Truly it is a mystery, what is going on here.

Further Thoughts:

Also, when Sabretooth gets a little too smart-mouthed, Professor Xavier -- who recently confessed his greatest shame was forcefully using his powers on someone -- forces him to shut up.

I don't know if you're aware, but this guy is sort of a jerk.

On the surface, this all just seems like a silly issue where the X-Men spend a lot of time fighting an alien robot. But if you dig under the surface, actually is a silly issue where the X-Men spend a lot of time fighting an alien robot.

Did I think this was a good issue? Not really, but it has two things going for it: it understood the assignment (do a comic where Storm, Gambit and Yukio are running for their lives from the Phalanx) and it was a fun issue to write up and make fun of. Now, that latter one is an extremely unimportant quality to fulfill when you are trying to create a comic -- really, you are not going to make a lot of money trying to give some Internet buttwipe fodder to amuse myself thirty years after the fact -- but as of 1994 the X-Men remain red hot, for reasons not mostly pertaining to the strength of their thematic resonance but more along the lines of mutant butt kicking and explosions.

Hey, has anyone used that phrase before?

Yes I had problems with this issue! Instead of making the Phalanx implacable, ice cold robots, he makes them chatty Cathys, twirling their invisible mustaches and spouting off about this and that as they try to blast the X-Men to smithereens. That's not inherently a bad mode to be writing in, but they have nothing interesting to say, so it makes them look like total jabronis, pale and flat villains of the week. I'm simply not buying what they're selling. And while it's great to see Yukio and Storm together again, those of you who are in it for the very obvious WLW dynamic at play between these two are not going to be pleased. And as noted, Yukio is now what has become the very familiar Lobdellian gabber, making the same kinds of remarks you'd see from Beast, or Iceman, or Gambit, or Jubilee.

But this is all burying the lede -- Joe Madureira is now the drawing Uncanny X-Men. This is probably the most exciting artistic development in this series since Jim Lee came aboard four years earlier. I make no secret of the fact that I am a huge fan of John Romita Jr's art. Something about those big blocky figures and crisp, organic-yet-geometric lines appeals to me, and I've made it clear that I've felt he has had moment in this run where he has really let loose and done things no artist had done, or possibly could do. But I think there is better work he could be doing elsewhere -- something with a solo hero in the city, possibly where it's raining all the time. Madureira is the match for Lobdell: his westernized manga style is exaggerated and fun and exciting and yeah, sexy in a sometimes goofy way that makes the X-Men's adventures that much more striking than anything else next to them on the racks. His rictus grins and buggy eyes with overly expressive brows seems to match the exact energy that Lobdell imbues into his characters.

The change can hardly have happened at a better time: while I don't doubt Romita could have come up with some interesting visualizations for the Phalanx, they seems like the ideal foe for Madureira to demonstrate his skills. Instead of being the stoic and cold foes we might have thought from the previous issue, they are rubbery and visually memorable and dynamic in their expressions. Their techno-organic nature lets the artist manipulate their bodies and powers in interesting ways, as when one of them is reduced to merely a hand but a very combative one. So while I may think they are flat as antagonist characters, they are A+ exhibitions of Joe Mad's style. In all the action, there's a frenetic energy and a defiance of gravity that is clear even from this first otherwise-not-much-of-an issue.

The X-Men have often benefitted from having a distinctive and forward-thinking penciller on their stories, from Neal Adams to John Byrne to Marc Silvestri to Jim Lee. Romita's style was distinctive, but it's not what you think of when you think of X-Men so it doesn't work to define their current era as much. Kubert is slick, and very much a top artist of the 90's, but it's Madureira who brings that extra spice that will carry the X-Men well into the 90's.