UNCANNY X-MEN #145: Kidnapped!

The X-Men learn that sometimes the enemy of your enemy is just another enemy.

Originally Published May 1981

We begin with a nice evening out at the ballet...

At Kitty's request, Stevie Hunter has treated Storm to an evening of high culture. As Stevie reflects on what she has lost as a former dancer, Storm thinks about how she just can't get over her irrational dislike of Stevie, stemming from overprotectiveness bordering on outright possessiveness and jealousy toward Kitty. It's not a good look for Ororo.

While they ruminate, they are joined unexpectedly by a familiar face: Ms. Locke, the right-hand woman of Arcade. You remember Arcade, right? Big bow tie, red hair, runs a murderous amusement park? Yeah, him.

Seems he had a bit of a run-in with none other than Dr. Doom in a recent issue of Marvel Two-In-One, which has resulted in Arcade being held captive with his life at risk. Locke explains she has been going around kidnapping people who are important to the X-Men in order to press them into rescuing Arcade - Moira MacTaggart, Colossus' sister Illyana, Jean Grey's parents, Nighcrawler's girlfriend/stepsister Amanda, and now Stevie Hunter. This seems like a lot of effort, but you know, these people run an elaborate murderous theme park.

Once Storm verifies independently that her friends, associates, and vague acquaintances have indeed been kidnapped, the X-Men strategize. Wolverine insists the X-Men probably shouldn't play along with the extortion attempt and just go rescue the people they like and leave Arcade to hang out to dry. Storm (the leader of the group) counters by saying basically, "Yeah, it probably is a trap... but what if we just go for it?"

To that end, Storm has Professor X wrangle up various currently-available adjunct X-Men, a veritable "who's who" of "who's left" - The Guy called Havok, that Sweet Kid Lorna Dane/Polaris (still blissfully living in the middle of the godforsaken desert with the mesas and buttes rather than using their powers as superheroes) Banshee, who is already on his way over to investigate Moira's kidnapping (still without his sonic scream, but not without his years of Interpol training and experience as an international art thief) and Iceman, who unfortunately, is still Iceman, only worse because now he's also a college bro.

One person the Prof is not able to contact is Cyclops. That much-vaunted magnetic interference Jacob is always telling me about is taxing his ability to make psychic contact (we see him progressively more sweaty and exhausted-looking to underline this.) What Xavier doesn't know is that Scott is actually in some trouble of his own - he and Lee have washed up on a deserted isle, with his protective ruby quartz glasses having been swept away, thus leaving him essentially blind since - as we all know - only his eyelids, or his ruby quartz glasses/visor, can hold back his optic blasts.

This would be a real sexy adventure if it weren't for the ever-present risk of violent energy blasts, but I guess that can be said about a lot of things.

It is noted that the X-Men's B-Squad will be unable to prepare for this mission in the Danger Room as it is still out of commission after the alien demon misadventure. Kitty, by the way, is unable to join this outing as she has caught the flu, probably from walking around outside without a coat last issue.

The A-Squad jets off for Doom's makeshift castle in upstate New York. At this time, Doom has been deposed from his traditional role of monarch of the small Baltic nation of Latveria. Apparently he has usurped a medieval-themed amusement park called Toadworld, run by Magneto's former henchman (Toad of course) as of that recent Marvel Two-In-One. I would go read it and write it up, but it's a whole comic centred on Toad and his evil Six Flags. I think we can fill in the blanks.

The X-Men's cunning plan is for Storm to distract Doom by sharing a nice meal with him...

...while the other X-Men search high and low for Arcade and also fight guys in battlesuits

Love a good battlesuit.

Anyway, because the deposed monarch of Latveria is not a total dumdum, he sees through Storm's ploy and counters with one of his own:

That's right, it's a cahoot between Doom and Arcade, a ploy to lure the X-Men into a trap. I for one am shocked that Arcade's kidnapping-motivated request for a rescue was not on the up-and-up. Scandalized.

The X-Men are summarily defeated and detained, left beaten in a heap on the floor. Storm gets the worst of it, with the seemingly unnecessarily cruel punishment of being encased in a chrome bodysuit as a living statue, from which there is no escape.

Storm is put in a confined situation, take a drink

To be continued!

Further Thoughts:

I'd be fibbing if I told you this premise excited me. For all the sophistication and emotional resonance demonstrated in the latter half of the Byrne-Claremont partnership, the return of Cockrum - still a talented comic book artist - feels like it has taken the book's development back a few steps. Here we get more of a "Saturday Morning Cartoon" level of action and suspense, without much of the nuance and weight of "Proteus," "Dark Phoenix" and "Days of Future Past." It's almost quaint to see the X-Men in a standard "bumble into the villain's lair, wreck some henchmen and get kidnapped" plot - even if that actually was the plot of the Hellfire Club arc, it just seemed better there.

Doom, who has become one of comics' most compelling characters in the years since this issue was published, is made out in text to be a big deal, but feels more like a two-dimensional villain of the week, lacking much of the dignity and gravitas he is often known for. As for Arcade, I know that in real time it's been well over a year since our last encounter with him, but it already feels too soon for him to be brought back.

Only the interludes with Cyclops make this story feel like it's more than something you would get as a cereal-box giveaway. The idea of Cyclops playing out the plot of LOST has a certain special appeal to me - I love LOST.