UNCANNY X-MEN #230: 'Twas the Night...

The X-Men are on a mission to undo the Reavers' crimes... but do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Originally Published June 1988

We begin with flight!

Ororo is back where she belongs, up in the clouds, feeling her oats. As she revels in her newly-regained abilities, Madelyne monitors using the Reavers' equipment, which is technologically advanced enough to hack into any communications system on Earth and super user-friendly!

"OK Google, what are the security codes to the Pentagon?"

With Madelyne as the Gal in the Chair, the X-Men engage in a little game of tag to test the sensors. Rogue, playing the part of a home invader, ends up on the losing end.

Down below, Madelyne is happy to be making a contribution to the team, and thinks to herself how badly she wants to revenge herself on the scum who kidnapped her baby, while the narration ominously lets us know that that's a'coming.

Why's it feel so hot in here all of a sudden?

Pointedly missing from the team's activity time, however, is Longshot, that wacky airhead alien stuntman. The rest of the team doesn't know where he is, but we see him following the Marauders' treasure trail, guided by mysterious voices, until he finds...

The treasure is HAUNTED!!

These are not actually the ghosts of people that the Marauders murdered to get their loot, mind you. We learn here that Longshot has an ability called psychometry, which enables him to get an imprint from an object by touching it. As it turns out, it's the treasures themselves that are wailing in eternal misery for being stolen from their rightful owners!

A few days later, Dazzler copes with the fact that the X-Men's new hideaway isn't exactly the Plaza, with the former tenants having kept it in about as good shape as you'd expect an all-male legion of murderer-thieves in the outback to do.

Alison has a fit about it, so the X-Men decide to use their powers to do a little spring cleaning, while the ever-mysterious, probably-very-wise Gateway watches impassively from above.

Rogue even elects to bring old Gateway a picnic lunch just to extend an olive branch, but doesn't seem to get much of a response for it. Darn that inscrutable Gateway, so vexing! And wise and mysterious!

After Dazzler treats herself to a shower, she finds that Longshot, who was struck into unconsciousness for several days following his psychic encounter, has awakened. He explains that the treasure wants to go home. Havok, who is surprisingly incredulous for an X-Man, tells him that treasure can't talk, but Psylocke suggests otherwise, and uses her abilities to project whatever image Longshot is getting from a random bauble Rogue has brought up.

Oh, I guess inanimate objects can talk. Well... how about that.

Once it's determined that these inanimate objects have souls and a desperate, yearning desire to be returned from whence they came, a brief discussion is held as to what should be done. Wolverine takes the position that the X-Men have better things to do. Havok, who has embraced the new reality of talking jewelry, insists they can't keep it. Absolutely nobody considers the fact that having these cursed objects in the house is torture to Longshot.

Ultimately, Wolverine is overruled, and the X-Men begin their insane "return all the loot" plan, with Longshot and Psylocke beaming the readings of the objects into Madelyne's brain so she can use the sophisticated-yet-user-friendly equipment to pinpoint its proper location. They end up with a pile for each continent, plus one pile of stuff that lacks a resonance for Longshot to read and thus can't be returned. Seems like quite a day's work, and at the end of it, Dazzler enviously eyes a motorbike she wishes they could keep.

With that, they get Gateway to open them a portal to wherever they need to be and jump right through, carrying massive sacks of loot to gift to their intended recipients, largely by climbing on roofs and down chimneys. Also the weather seems to be a little snowy tonight.

They even find time to drop in on the New Mutants back in Salem Center -- the young charges of Magneto still mourning for the fallen X-Men.

In Hong Kong, Wolverine is able to witness the beginnings of the X-Men's cult legend taking root as a non-mutant supporter of their cause tags a poster branding them as outlaws with some graffiti.

While Longshot is able to reunite a nurse in Boston with a special necklace...

As dawn breaks back in Australia, the X-Men have successfully completed their totally unprecedented task of sneaking into a bunch of homes across the entire world and leaving untold quantities of treasures for unsuspecting, sleeping people, all in a single night.

Surprise twist: It was Christmas!

As Dazzler rolls her eyes, thinking how great it is for everyone else and all, the team unveils her present...

Joy reigns through the X-Men's new outback base, and even Wolverine gets into a celebratory mood. Rogue flies up to see Gateway and presents the mysterious, inscrutable, unknowable, basically magical Aborigine with a gift -- a little wooden recorder. Feeling awkward, she goes to leave, but to her surprise, he bids her stay...

D'aww! All that's missing is a heart-shaped iris-out. The end!

Further Thoughts:

At first glance, this is an incredibly lightweight and silly issue. At second glance, it's actually just corny AF. But the truth is, the book has been so dark and foreboding for so long that it's a relief to see the X-Men engaged in these low-stakes heartstring-tugging stories at least for a minute. It's fun to see them adjust to their new status quo, interact with each other, and do something besides fending off a deadly threat. At the very least, there are some notable character moments for Dazzler, Madelyne and even Longshot, who remains a tough character to sink one's teeth into since he feels all his emotions the way a toddler might. 

I still raise an eyebrow at the depiction of Gateway, who can add "intermittently whimsical" to his checklist of non-character-traits, but at least some thought and attention is given to him.