UNCANNY X-MEN #260: Star 90

Dazzler meets her biggest fan

Originally Published April 1990

We begin at the home of Eric Beale, where the cocaine-addled disgraced film producer and Dazzler superfan is going commando.

That is to say, he has outfitted himself with an impressive arsenal of personal weapons, no doubt mostly procured from a nearby Wal-Mart sporting goods section. Beale is in a bit of a tizzy, having recently found out that Dazzler, his celeb crush, has returned from the dead. Having been spurned back in the Dazzler: The Movie Graphic Novel, Beale intends to return the lightengale to the grave, using for target practice his freakishly abundant collection of Dazzler mannequins.

He's definitely had sex with these mannequins. 

Not far away, in beautiful Malibu, CA, Fred Stanachek -- a former (if brief) acquaintance of Dazzler from her Hollywood sojourn -- is showing Alison his copy of Dazzler: The Movie, which he liberated from storage and bought for pennies, despite Dazzler supposedly having torched the only copy. She, and her bodyguard Guido, are suitably impressed, but she dismisses it as the work of another woman from another life.

Fred is persistent, asking her to help market the movie so that it, and its valuable pro-mutant message can see release, but the former Dazzler is eager to move forward with a life of sun, sand and surfing.

Unfortunately, the past has a way of creeping up on you...

Beale takes his shot but Ali just happens to sit up in time for it to miss. Guido. hearing the gunfire, rushes to the beach, calling for Ali to get out of the water, to no avail. Beale takes another shot that misses, but before he can go "full auto," he's caught in the mutant's sights and--

Ushering Ali safely inside, the House determines that the shooter has fled. This prompts a change in Alison's attitude -- use the marketing hooplah surrounding the movie to flush the killer out into the open.

I've heard worse ideas.

No wait, I actually haven't. Using yourself as bait for a man who wants you dead is a terrible flicking idea.

Back in a somewhat more sane place -- Manhattan, NY -- Peter Nicholas (who, unbeknownst to his own self, is actually the X-Man Colossus) moons and spoons over the billboard lady from across the road. As luck would have it -- for the second time this week -- she comes running into the alley below his loft, menaced by a gang of shadowy thugs.

How exactly this chick -- who is actually former Morlock leader Callisto -- keeps finding herself in Pete's neighborhood, I don't know. Suppose maybe she just likes to check on her own billboard and make sure nobody's climbed up there to draw dicks on her mouth.

Pete comes to the rescue but finds himself vastly outnumbered by the thugs, who are mockingly dressed as the X-Men.

Luckily, the real muscle arrives in the form of Jenny Ransome.

The gang flees, and Callisto slips away, leaving the trio -- Peter, Jenny and Phillip Moreau -- to contemplate their navels.

Back in Hollyweird, Fred and Alison -- or rather, Alison's "Evil Twin" Skippy -- take a meeting with movie mogul Ginjer Baron, who had earlier declined to buy the rights to Dazzler: The Movie since she considered it unmarketable without a living star (nevermind what Roman Nekoboh is up to these days.) "Skippy" offers herself up, despite the notable handicap of being unable to be photographed.

Gahhhhhhhh.

You guys, I'm tearing my hair out over here.

Lurking behind of course is deranged stalker Beale, who is thwarted at every attempt to assassinate his target by hilariously overbearing Hollywood types.

In faraway Kyrinos, Greece (a favourite getaway of the X-Men) X-Sleuths Forge and Banshee prepare a jaunt down to Cairo in search of Storm -- following a tip provided by a vision of the Shadow King in the previous issue. What they don't know is that they've actually got the wrong Cairo and should be heading to southern Illinois (where it's actually pronounced Kay-ro), but nevermind that. They're going to take this evil demonic vision at its vague, ill-defined word.

Forge and Banshee discuss some of the, erm, changes that the denizens of Muir Isle have undergone recently, not the least of which the transformation of sweet, demure Moira into a bodice-wearing hairspray queen.

She's going through Changes...

The two prepare to board a private jet piloted by Sean's associate Cylla, only to think twice when Cylla hands the boys a copy of the latest PEOPLE Magazine featuring an illustration of Dazzler on the cover. The gumshoes decide this is a better lead than "Mystery man mispronouncing an obscure American city in a psychic vision" and send Cylla on to Egypt without them.

So of course, moments after takeoff...

Don't you hate when that happens?

This turns out to be the work of Andrea and Andreas von Strucker, the freaky hand-holding Nazi wonder twins who still hold a grudge against the X-Men since all the way back in Uncanny #200.

They have to hold hands. They don't have to be wearing matching thongs.

Sean and Forge beat a hasty getaway courtesy of Banshee's sonic scream, preferring to let their mysterious assailants believe they were successful in killing them. Let's imagine, I suppose, that Banshee's sonic scream cannot be heard over the water on the boat.

Back in Malibu, it's somehow already time for the big premiere of Dazzler: The Movie, but "Skippy" is nowhere to be found. That's because Beale has managed to kidnap her, knocking her out and somehow draining her of her light based powers, leaving her weak and vulnerable, only able to muster up the smallest whiff of a blast.

What do you think of your genius plan now, Skip?

As the sweaty, drug-addled producer prepares to make the final cut on Dazzler, she uses what little power she has left to conjure up a mood-altering lightshow that somehow soothes Beale into submission.

For this Dazzler, who had been wondering what, exactly, she was supposed to do with her life after washing up on that beach, she starts to feel that her purpose, whatever it may be, lies in bringing joy to others.

Further Thoughts:

This is kind of a kooky issue, with Eric Beale being an unconventional villain -- a dumpy, over-the-hill cokehead movie producer with a cartoonish arsenal and a bumbling affect is definitely a change-up from, for example, the Reavers, but in its way it actually has as much or more to do with real life. The title of the issue is a take on "Star 80," the film about Playboy model Dorothy Stratten's murder by her own jealous husband, so while it may be a little bit lurid to do a play on that, especially with such broad comedy attacked, there's something there, which is more than could be said for Dazzler: The Movie's take on similar subject matter.

Beale's pursuit of Dazzler is played both seriously and for laughs, as he rambles on and on in Chris Claremont's approximation of a coke-fueled stream-of-consciousness, and providing fodder for a Roadrunner-and-Coyote-like escapade at the studio -- Silvestri, along with Alan Davis, is the artist best suited to capturing the goofy yet wry humour Claremont can lace into his work, especially with his observations about the film industry. Yet at times, especially in the scene on the beach, Silvesti imbues a gripping, suspenseful pace as the panels come in quick staccato rhythm.

In-universe, the scattered X-Men are looking within themselves to try to find who they truly are, in the wake of being stripped of lots of the external trappings that have been placed on them as mutants superheroes, and that theme comes through strongly in Dazzler, who - as "Skippy" - does not care for the material gains of stardom but does relish, by the end, the opportunity to bring joy and happiness, as a true artist might. Likewise, Claremont himself seems to be searching for the soul of the X-Men away from big franchise-spanning crossovers and pulse-pounding mutant adventures, as he experiments with form and sets them against unlikely foes like this.