X-MEN #16: Conflicting Cathexes (X-Cutioner's song Part 11)

The X-Men Go to the Moon!

Originally Published January 1993

We begin with...

That's right: if you believe, they put a mutant on the moon, they did in fact do so as Wolverine, Cable and Bishop -- three badass dudes with '90s 'tudes -- have finally made it to Stryfe's lunar base just in time to throw down with their longtime enemies, the Dark Riders.

Now don't tell me you don't know who the Dark Rider's are... they're iconic! They've got such legendary members as Gauntlet, Tusk, Hard-Drive, Fatboy Slim, Crazy Carl, Paul Giamatti, and all the rest. 

The heroes/home invaders blast and slash away indiscriminately while realizing that maybe they should have come in here with some kind of strategy. Bishop -- who really needs to look in a mirror before he accuses anyone of indulging in random violence -- accuses Wolverine of being locked in his berserker rage.

Yeah, "Wolverine: Alone" was great, but wouldn't it have been better if he just slashed some mf'ers indiscriminately?

Eventually, it becomes clear that the odds are too great for these three heroes. Which is lucky because at that moment...

That's right motherflickers, it's the cavalry! How did they get here five seconds after Wolverine, Cable and Bishop despite the fact that they had to ride on a space-ship while the others teleported? You should know better than to ask questions, or think critically at all! Look at the cool poses!

From a distance, Stryfe watches on, enigmatically babbling about the inevitability of time and how cool and mean and mysterious he is.

He decides to take his captives -- Scott and Jean -- for a walkies out on the lunar surface.

After defeating the Dark Riders, the X-Men split up into Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Holy Crap am I really considering stealing a n Austin Powers joke from 24 years ago?

...Zappa.

Apocalypse decides to Lone Wolf it.

He ends up meeting up with the Dark Riders, who I guess scattered after the rest of the X-Men showed up. They decide to have a big fight to the death, but not on panel.

Meanwhile, Wolverine, Storm and Psylocke ascertain Scott and Jean's whereabouts after nearly getting sucked into the vacuum of space, and Cable and Cannonball have a bit of tension.

Maybe there wouldn't be so much tension if everything didn't have to be some big secret, just saying

Down on Earth, Charles awakes and babbles some nonsense that's meant to sound grandiose but I'm pretty sure is just Police lyrics.

Don't you understand? He's the King of Pain! It's all Synchronicity -- Synchronicity II, even!

On the surface of the moon, Cable, Havok, Polaris and Cannonball go out in search of Stryfe, but are nearly stopped cold by a forefield that prevents Lorna and Sam from entering but not Cable or Havok for mysterious reasons.

We end with a big show-down set against a backdrop of randomly-selected moments from X-Men history. I'm sure the man in the iron mask has a ton of interesting stuff to say about who is really is and why he is doing all of this...

But sorry Lindsey Buckingham -- we outta time!