UNCANNY X-MEN #310: "...show me the way to go home..."

Scott and Nate Batch it up with the X-Cutioner!

Originally Published March 1994

We begin in medias res as Cyclops and Banshee run to the Danger Room to investigate a mysterious intruder.

What they find is an Unsolved Mysteries-style re-enactment of the later issues of X-Factor, when Scott was forced to send baby Nathan to the future to receive the treatment he required for the futuristic techno-organic virus that was eating him up. All that's missing is Robert Stack to do a dramatic introduction.

Scott can't shut the hologram down by voice command so he gives it the ole optic blast to destroy it, not wanting to re-live one of the lowest moments of his sorry existence. As to who set up this little instant replay?

Though Sean is certainly very miffed to see Cable, since he has lately been indoctrinating his daughter Theresa into the X-Force way of life, Scott bids him to go on to the Bachelor Party that's happening tonight and leave them to discuss their private personal private business privately and personally.

At Harry's Hideaway -- where else -- the X-Boyz are having a drink waiting for the guest of honor. Bishop has another "In the future, fun doesn't exist" moment, to fun-loving Bobby's irritation.

Even Nightcrawler, who has of late been teaming with the time-hopping, reality-bopping Excalibur, expresses befuddlement at Bishop's temporal tales.

Really Kurt? Didn't you have a whole Caper that crossed time?

While Scott and Cable talk -- mostly about the recently-discovered fact that Cable is Scott's natural-born son [meaning that Stryfe, whom Scott worried was his son, is actually a clone or something, meaning Scott bears absolutely no responsibility for his troubled upbringing] -- another unwelcome guest enters the mansion, all stealthily and whatnot.

As advertised, it's the return of the X-Cutioner -- and you bought the comic anyway, how nice of you. X-C Boy is a former (or current??!) Government agent who hates evil mutants -- which is pretty much all mutants to him -- and has raided the supply room for paraphernalia from the X-Men's previous adventures in order to arm himself against them: Shi'ar Armor, Z'Nox lasers, Magneto's underwear, the Mutant Master's old lunchbox, etc etc.

The Lost and Found Gimmick is impossible to take seriously, and only ever succeeds in creating a goofy bad guy nobody likes. It's hard to know, from context, whether the X-Cutioner is unintentional or intentional comedy: Lobdell definitely has a sense of humor but he mostly plays superheroics straight and seems to want us to believe that the X-Cutioner could do some real damage, especially since he left Colossus with a dent in his tin can head, which contributed to the angst that led to him defecting for Magneto. But I'm sorry, this guy is a Dodger Dog, a Footlong, a total Weenie.

Meanwhile, Cable and Scott have their long-overdue discussion.

First of all, I love the idea of Scott and Jean sitting down and organizing a guest list comprised of every mutant who ever wore an X. "Well, if we want Meggan we're going to have to invite Brian too..." "Do you think we should bother inviting Shiro?" "And then there's Cable..." "Well, we have to invite Cable, he's our son..." "He's your son..." "Hey, when you absorbed Madelyne's psyche, you became his mother!"

It's kind of silly to think of a hardass like Cable stewing over daddy issues for his entire life -- it was absurd enough when Stryfe did it, but he was a bad guy and it was meant to be over-the-top. Cable is someone we're meant to respect and root for, and here he is, sniffling about how Scotty wasn't there to play catch with him.

So, okay, this actually does ring true, or at least consistent with media portrayals of adopted people -- why didn't they keep me, why didn't they love me, etc etc. I'm certainly not going to discredit real life people who have unprocessed trauma from that, and especially because in this case it meant that Cable had to grow up in a warzone future even worse than Bishop's, the equivalent of being sent to an abusive foster home. I would think that as a hardened soldier he would have a way of processing -- or perhaps repressing -- this trauma by now, but instead he spills it all messy-like, having a tantrum about his dad's neglect, especially since as we can all see (Cable included) Scott had a pretty good reason to give Cable up.

Cable's argument: that it was way too easy for Scott to give him up, and he never thought twice about it or looked back with regret. Scott's answer: "If you don't think I have regret, then you don't know Cyclops, because I regret everything." He shares his private journal with Nathan:

The two men share a brief pregnant pause, and Cable sniffs, "Yeah, well, I'm still mad about it."

Just then Sabretooth pops up on the holo-intercom to let the guys know he's detected an intruder. Cyclops asks how that's possible when none of the mansion's many alarms and defenses have been activated, and Tooth says maybe the guy has some alien stealth technology or maybe he came in through an unguarded window, who knows? But his Sabre-senses never lie.

As it turns out, X-y's mission is to, erm, shall we say, euthanize the comatose White Queen, who has been lying in the X-Men's medlab for the past several months. Summers and Son interrupt and a brief brawl ensues.

Emphasis of brief since this guy is no match for the mutant leaders. After a couple of hits, 'Cutioner teleports out. Cable huffs that if he had stayed, Cyclops would be administering First Aid to him, and Cyke says "Yeah, that's what we do."

But you know, there's nothing like taking down a bad guy to seal the bond between father and son. Cable admits that he now sees that Cyclops is everything Cable hoped he would be, and worried he wouldn't -- capable, heroic, noble, etc. Not a totally arrogant, neglectful shitbag at all.

As Cable powers up his bodyslide, he affirms that he always hoped that, at the very least, Cyclops was half as upset as he was that they weren't able to stay together, and is relieved that seems to be the truth, and then some. He notes that it wasn't all bad -- he was raised by a nice couple that taught him lots of important values, only he can't seem to remember their names (which is, you know... weird.)

Cable drops Cyclops off at his lameass Bachelor party but not before slipping him a little note...

Further Thoughts:

Let's be honest -- the X-Cutioner is a total jabroni, a fifth-tier mutant hunter whose vibe is more "sweaty middle-manager" than dangerous killer. But he makes for a good foil for this issue, a convenient and easy threat for Cable and Cyclops to thwart together.

I actually quite like that they are addressing all this father and son stuff now. During the X-Cutioner's Song (no relation) it felt like they were building and building and building to the big reveal, but delayed it at the end and we never got to know the big secret -- it was hinted that Cable, or Stryfe, was little baby Nathan all growed up, but we didn't get the confirmation on that that we needed. At some point, it happened, and while the story remains somewhat of a tangled thread to sort out, we're at least at the place where we can start unpacking its implications. As I said, it's wild to see a tough guy like Cable sulking about parental neglect, but we've all got our things.

At first blush, I felt like this was a minor issue, more drumming my fingers on my desk waiting for them to finally get to the wedding, but there's at least something going on here, so let's call it a minor-plus. Like every issue of X-Men, even most of the bad ones, it's tuned into its characters' thoughts, feelings and emotional core, so it always has something going on for it that makes you feel like you're getting a good check in with your favourite characters, even when the threat is laughable and the action is a little dull.