Phalanx for the memories!
Originally Published June 1994
We begin with a baptism by water -- if such a thing is even possible -- as Gambit swims for his life in an excitingly-rendered attempt to escape from the Phalanx. Despite being submerged in the Hudson River, Gambit is still able to exchange bon mots with his gruesome toothsome enemy.
The Phalanx have not yet caught on that "We will absorb your hopes and dreams" is not the threat they seem to think it is.
Gambit escapes the clutches the Phalanx by detonating some of his trademark playing cards inside of the foe, and manages to rescue Yukio in the process.
Back at the mansion, something freaky-deaky is going on with the comatose Iceman and his powers, and Jubilee surprises us all by getting quite upset about the danger to Bobby Drake's life.
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| I mean his jokes suck, but he doesn't deserve to die... |
Jubes lashes out at Beast for trying to make light of the situation, and Banshee reminds her that Bobby and Hank go back quite a ways so it's not like Beast doesn't care, it's just that that's the only way he can deal with the situation.
Jubilee wonders if she's truly meant to be an X-Man, and Banshee privately thinks to himself that perhaps someone should be preparing the next generation of mutants.
Down in the holding cell, Bishop warns Xavier not to get too close to Sabretooth. Charles responds that there's no need to worry -- if Victor attempts anything again, "I'll be gentle."
Admittedly a badass line.
In conversation, they remind us that the objective is to cure Sabretooth of his addiction to "The Glow," a blast of psionic energy that gets him to normal. Xavier pledges that they will cure him or die trying, which does not seem like the appropriate attitude with which to treat addiction but what do I know?
Down at the docks, Storm grapples with the Phalanx, who reveal that they are not creepy-deepy aliens from beyond, but normal everyday human heroes standing up for what they believe in by becoming inhuman monsters, much like Moms for Liberty.
While Storm ponders this, she is attacked by the Sexy Lady Phalanx, who revels in how awesome it is to be a racist robot monster.
Gambit rescues Storm by conking her on the noggin' with a stick.
As the heroes contemplate what remains of their enemies' humanity and plan what's next, we shift our scene over to Phalanx HQ, where we get a good look at their leader...
This guy!
That's right, we are to believe that this is Stephen Lang, the Government-approved psycho mutant hater that the X-Men faced down against back in Uncanny X-Men #98-100 and died way back in 1976 when Scott Lobdell was an impressionable teen picking up his favourite Marvel comics from the spinner rack at the local independent grocer and you, likely X-Men reader of 1994, probably weren't even born.
Like for flick's sake, can we not go all the way back to the disco era for deep cut baddies? I know that there was increased availability of these stories through X-Men Classic, but even that issue would have been published seven years earlier. Get over it.
We learn that Steven had been living in long term care before hooking up with the Phalanx and becoming their spiritual and executive leader. Also under him as the token "reluctant evildoer" is what appears to be the remnants of the long-deceased New Mutant Doug Ramsey, whose connection to the techno-organic alien Warlock probably has something to do with all of this.
While Langbot chides Ramseytron for attempting individual thought, he is interrupted by his subordinate Cameron Hodge, who informs us that--
Wait a second.
Wait.
Oh, heeeeell no.
Look, I may not be a fan of Cameron "The Commander" Hodge. I may think that X-Tinction Agenda was an overly-long slog that was mostly comprised of Hodge sucking the oxygen out of every room he was in while somehow sitting on the chest of every mutant he encountered. I may find his gimmick that he is literally un-killable to be annoying. But I have got to admit, he is not anybody's sideman. He is not here to play good soldier to the acharismatic Lang. He is his own beautiful freak who will undermine everyone else in the pursuit of his single-minded hatred of mutants in general and Archangel in particular, and you're telling me that he's now a rank-and-file underling in the Phalanx army? I think not. This man has the juice to be the top dog, and Steven Lang does not.
Thanks I hate it.
Anyway, they're chasing down and soon to capture Yukio, who is out of options and pleading with her life.
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| "What's one thing Yukio would never say?" |
Now y'all should know that Yukio has something of a casual relationship with life and death so naturally pleading for her life is not normally her M.O. Perhaps these are extenuating circumstances (given the threat of being forcibly inducted into the Phalanx Way of Life) but really she's just biding time until Gambit and Storm can drop in.
The heroes get to safety, having obliterated their foes, but Storm is lost in thought, wondering what it will cost -- on a philosophical level -- to defeat the Phalanx once and for all... trying to make a not-very-complicated issue seem a lot more complicated than it is. (If someone is a killer robot who wants to destroy your entire race, it's okay to defend yourself against them.)
Back at the mansion, Bishop is pondering life yet again and the fact that Sabretooth is a lightweight compared to the mass murderers he routinely clobbered back in his X.S.E. days, and he's wondering if life in the past is making him soft. But you know, he also isn't allowed to kill willy-nilly, which was his go-to move, so you gotta learn to adapt.
Down in the med bay, however, Iceman is up and moving but something is different about him.
Ah yes, that menacing scowl, that violent posture, that threatening, hot-headed villainous speech pattern... those are the trademarks of...
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| I think I'll pass on Excalibur #77, thanks |
Yes, exactly. That's how Emma has always behaved and clearly would react to this situation given what we know about her character.
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