Wolverine and Archangel race against time to save Psylocke's life!
Originally Published February-March 1996
We begin in Manhattan, where noted Village Person Dr. Strange is flipping through the channels on his scrying pool. He catches a glimpse of Wolverine and Archangel about to get up to some mystical malarkey and thinks to himself, "Wellp, this is as good a time as any for a crossover."
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| You're telling me there's absolutely nothing you can think of that could go in the lower half of that page? You didn't even draw a background! |
Our two often-at-odds sometimes-metallic X-Men are indeed preparing for some magical monkeyshines as they find themselves in Little East Asia. Warren, ever the skeptical bird man who was once brainwashed by a 3000-year-old cult leader, is dubious that they should be here, and Wolverine reminds him he literally did not ask him to come along.
As you may recall, Psylocke was recently vivisected by Sabretooth and is clinging to life. And yes, they are providing her with the best medical treatment money and a fwb-relationship with the Shi'ar can buy, but according to Wolverine, because Psylocke is a magic ninja, she needs some magic ninja juice to get her up and running again.
This debate about whether magic exists and can help (it does and it can) is interrupted when the heroes are attacked by:
Like okay, I know that for us, it's 2024 and we routinely see better CGI effects in a lozenge commercial, but putting yourself in the mindset of someone reading an X-Men comic in 1996, this thing is undeniably and unabashedly cool as hell to see on a comic page. Admittedly, at times he looks like an underdeveloped Killer Instinct sprite, but a lot of the way he it's just a cool, eerie special effect. If the entire reason for this whole Japaneesy adventure is to feature the Steam Ninja, I'm here for it. Thank you, Richard Chu!
So, they battle this guy, and obviously he's got tricks.
He's also got a vulnerability to metal, which is handy because at least one of our heroes didn't get his fillings extracted by Magneto recently.
Unfortunately, McSteamy also has the ability to multiply himself, but just when it looks like it's too much for Warren3, Wolverine skips to the chorus by killing... an old lady who had been watching from the ?
Before Warren can ask "WTF man, is that our answer for everything these days??!" Wolverine reaches into the little old lady's back and pulls out an even littler old man.
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| Whether he was in drag or piloting her like Men in Black, I am not entirely sure |
This is Gomurr the Ancient, our sign that we're done pretending this is anything other than a cartoon about Japan rather than any kind of representation with verisimilitude. Gomurr had sicced the Steam Ninjas on Wolverine and Archangel as a kind of test, which I suppose they passed. It's time to get down to brass tacks: Logan wants Gomurr to take them to get the Crimson Dawn (from the Ebon Vein), and Gomurr is the guy to take them there. Gomurr demurs: everyone who goes looking for the Crimson Dawn gets killed. Wolverine's counter argument: we're going.
Before they can get one foot out the door, Dr. Strange remembers he was supposed to take part in this.
After stopping off the get dressed up in some ninja PJs, our core quartet head off to the entryway to the underworld in Gomurr's backroom, getting attacked by the Shadowkhan from Jackie Chan Adventures along the way.
They punk out their foes and descend into the mystical underworld underneath the tea shop. Meanwhile Gambit visits the bedridden, clinging-to-life Psylocke (who is otherwise unattended but I guess nobody has any reason to suspect any trouble from lil ole Remy). He reflects on the fact that not long ago, he was the one bedridden and clinging to life, and she took the opportunity to pry into his personal business, telepathically. Did she, he wonders, discover his Deep Dark Secret™, while in there? And if so, would it maybe not be such a bad thing if she dies?
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| Who could ever possibly think this man might be a traitor? |
Ambivalent feelings aside, when Betsy starts crashing, he calls for help and starts administering CPR. What a mensch.
Down in Magical Underground, Stephen has them stop what they're doing because he's about to ruin the image and they style that they're used to -- that is to say, he realizes that Warren is in serious pain, having had his wings injured in a fight with Sabretooth in the recent Sabretooth Special. (I'll save you the trip, the X-Men beat Sabretooth and pack him off to superjail with Val Cooper in the end.)
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| I always preferred Netherscape Navigator over Underworld Explorer |
Anyway, it's kind of moot because they've arrived at the throne room of the big important guy they've come to see, Tar, Proctor of the Crimson Dawn, a scary looking cuss if ever there was one.
Sorry, wrong Tar.
Tar toys with the idea of helping, but he's honestly a little cheesed about how people only come to see them when they want something. It's never "How's the family, Tar?" or "I was just thinking about you, Tar" or "Do you want to go check out that new Peruvian-Japanese fusion place after work Tar?" He's so sick of it, he kills Gomurr the Ancient, just because.
So they feed the thing to the Crimson Dawn, and Tar is like "Woah, that's now how it works, she's not even here to drink it!" and Strange is like "Um, I think I know a little something about Crimson Dawns." And what do you know...
The X-Men at the mansion draw the conclusion that the whole mission was a success and Psylocke will live, albeit with some kind of mark that the art fails to convey to us, the reader. Wolverine, Strange and Archangel are all spat out of the Super Mario 2 Oni portal to the Underworld. And hell, even Gomurr gets to come back despite being dead. He didn't get to be Gomurr the Ancient by getting killed by some jabroni named Tar every week, you know.
And we are left with Dr. Strange wondering what's next for those crazy kids.
Further Thoughts:
Hey, this was not good! It was all downhill after the steam ninjas. It was all surface glitter and the parts that seemed like the might have some substance -- the battles, the trials and tribulations of descending into the underworld, the emotional connection between Warren and Betsy, feel extremely underdeveloped. I wonder if there was not enough story to fill out the entire two-parter, or if perhaps Joe Madureira, in his capacity as artist -- under the Marvel Method, likely tasked with pacing out the issue his own way -- simply skimmed, drawing panels big and wide and flashy in a way that is aesthetically pleasing but not conducive to really meaningful storytelling. I think we all have fond memories of Joe Mad's time as artist because his pictures are stylish and pretty, but if -- and I am drawing a conclusion here based on conjecture, so if -- it was his responsibility to keep this story moving but also give us something we could sink our teeth into, it was not a win.
That all having been said, with my critical analytical self having not been satisfied, my squishy inner child was; a zippy, brightly-colored and imaginative outing from Scott Lobdell and Joe Madureira is guaranteed to at least bring a smile to my face, and while I would have loved more of the kooky mystical mythos -- even given we were getting a theme park version of Japan (which is often just Japan, let's be real) -- I enjoyed the premise and the resolution of needing Warren's love for Betsy to jumpstart the Crimson Dawn. It's a strange direction to go in after the relative seriousness and groundedness of the preceding issue, but what is the X-Men if not tonal whiplash persevering?
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| All right, I'm here for Gomurr's jokes |
Did it make any sense or satisfy as a story with rising action and climax? Not really at all, no, but it was a fun way to spend an afternoon. The X-Men are neat and just fun to read about.
When the Crimson Dawn takes effect, Betsy is bandaged up everywhere except her recently disembowled midsection, because there ain't nothing sexy about wrapping that tummy with bandages.
ReplyDeleteYeah, that's all medical science, you can read about it in any textbook
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