UNCANNY X-MEN #334: Dark Horizon

The Big Man is Back!

Originally Published July 1996

We begin with a bit of a dip as the Juggernaut has been soaking in the pond at the X-Mansion waiting for someone, anyone, to come out and find him (after having hiked all the way from Colorado.)

Of late, Cain Marko has been shooketh by his recent encounter with the mysterious superbaddie known as Onslaught. He's carrying the dar ksecret truth about Onslaught in his head, but some psychic woowoo is preventing him from accessing it.

He smashes an underwater security camera to try to get some attention, which works to summon the only two X-Men who ever seem to do anything anymore...

Bishop, as it happens, had been busying himself repairing Cerebro after its most recent overload, thinking about how this technology is not that different from the tech found in his time. While it's pretty advanced here, it also seems like tech development somehow entered a period of stasis in the 80 or so years since.

Meanwhile, Cyclops is having a good old fashioned "things trying to smash you" workout in the Danger Room when Jean arrives to tell him about her interaction with Onslaught -- only there isn't much to tell as the further she gets from it the less she remembers. Cyclops suggests going to their ever-trustworthy father figure mentor Professor Xavier for a little psychic massage, but Jean demurs -- for some reason she just doesn't feel comfortable around him right now (maybe because she learned of his long-ago pervy crush on her as a teenager.)

Down in Colorado, Warren and Betsy are having trouble reaching the mansion by all the usual means, so they resolve to go in person -- meaning their hiatus from the X-Men has lasted all of 8 weeks.

In the Professor's study, Cannonball mopes about he's just not performing up to his standards as an X-Man. Charles gives him a harsh performance review: just quit then.

It's kind of weird, you know -- Cannonball was drafted onto the X-Men from X-Force apropos of nothing after the Age of Apocalypse, and on the rare occasion when he has gone into action with the X-Men the results have been, as us old people like to say young people say: "mid." His latest public embarrassment was failing to rescue Wolverine from the bad guy trying to force-feed his adamantium back into his body thus resulting in his current de-volution. Basically, Cannonball has pretty low self-esteem right now, and his record kind of supports that, and Charles isn't here to coddle him: you want to go back to running around doing X-Force things, go right ahead, but here in the X-Men, we're made of tougher stuff. This somehow inspires him to do better in the future.

Gambit and Bishop -- known collectively as Gambish -- go out to investigate the disturbance on the grounds, with Gambit musing that this X-Men gig would be pretty sweet if everyone wasn't trying to kill them all the time.

When they find the Juggernaut, these relatively new faces are no match for the Unstoppable One. Juggy fells them with a few quick moves.

Making fun of Gambit's accent very timely here in 2024

Inside, Beast, that is the Evil Beast from the Age of Apocalypse timeline who is currently hiding amongst the X-Men, also known to us as Dank Hank, is giving a physical exam to the recently-Animalized puppyboy Wolverine, who at least can talk again, albeit in a grizzled, ragged font. 

Dark Beast thinks to himself just how many responsibilities Light-Beast had on his table, what with being personally responsible for all the tech repairs and curing the legacy virus and jumping into action at a moment's notice and now giving Wolverine his flea dip. By comparison, working for Sinister seem like an easier assignment as he only had one job (nebulous mad science stuff.)

Hey man, this was your crazy f&*king idea, you have to live with it

Perhaps hoping to abdicate his role as physician, Deast secretly releases Wolverine, who gets the zoomies and bolts off to a solo adventure with Elektra. Cannonball finds Storm to talk about how weird the Professor is acting lately. 

We then look in on the Creed campaign, as Graydon congratulates himself for polling so high and keeping the secret that his parents are two of the most notorious mutant criminals out there. How that particular skeleton remains un-dug, who knows.

Bastion arrives to chastise him for attempting to murder Senator Kelly a few weeks ago, which is the kind of messy shit that really messes with Bastion's grand plans.

Jean returns to the lake house at the edge of the Xavier property where she and Cyclops live, only to find Bishop and Gambit unconscious one the doorstep. Juggernaut emerges: he's come to chat with her. After all, he could have killed them but that's not what he's here for. That's what you call a good faith gesture. He doesn't even resist when Jean puts him in a telekinetic hold so you know he's here to play ball.

Due to his personal animosity against Charles, he insists Jean be the one to help him pry to secret of Onslaught out of his skull. 

In the Mansion, Cyclops interrupts Charles as he oohs and ahhs over the sexy mystery mutant known as X-Man, who apparently figures into some big plan of Charles'. Cyke finds his father figure and mentor acting somewhat... erratically.

Confused, Cyclops asks the computer to locate Charles, who has been in his study for the last 48 hours (without even a bathroom break? Dayum.) Charles PMs him to let him know that this was just a test and to always be on his toes.

Uh, sure Chuck.

And deep, deep below the mansion, Jean brings Juggernaut to a secret telepath-proof room where she will safely be able to probe Cain's mind for the truth... who is Onslaught?

Further Thoughts:

Not a lot happens in this issue. It's all tease and set-up as we inch ever closer yet only so slightly toward kicking this Onslaught event into gear. 

Sometimes I have heard the criticism that a particular chapter of a work only exists to "move pieces around the board," putting elements in place for a future conflict as if storytelling were a game. Well this issue is sort of like a hand reaching for the pieces and just barely being able to decide even which pieces to move, let alone where to put them.

Okay, that's a little harsh but take it as a compliment: X-Men right now is making its hay out of simply teasing us and building toward whatever crescendo is coming (the big Onslaught reveal, the double-priced one-shot, the tie-ins.) It elevates stalling to an art form. It's so interesting to see all the little things going on with the X-Men, from Jean's and Juggernaut's mutual frazzled post-Onslaught haze, to Cannonball's doubts, to Dark Beast's shady activities and even a little bit about the cold war between Gambit and Bishop. Uncanny X-Men can get away with this because the X-Men's world is so rich right now that, as I've said before, barely doing anything but checking in with the characters still gives us a pretty robust little slice of story.

This is not the kind of comic you would get in modern times when every issue is merely a sliver of a larger planned-out arc. Even though this is contributing to a larger arc it is simply this month's comic, a transmission of what the status quo is and the calm before the storm as we head into the big action piece. As I've said before it's just fun to spend time with the X-Men and at times I even enjoy being teased with all this build up to what a big hairy deal Onslaught is supposed to be, to spend time reading Scott Lobdell's dialogue and looking at the beautiful pages by Madureira, Townsend and Buccellato.