UNCANNY X-MEN #349: The Crawl

The X-Men are still stuck in a motherf#$king cave.

Originally Published November 1997

We begin in Manhattan with our mysterious slug enthusiast friend, who continues to be on the trail of Joseph. We see some glimpses of his moment of tenderness with Rogue a few months back.

But later for that! Now we turn our attention back to the Mystery Cave, where Trish Tilby contemplates whether she has it in her to rescue the X-Men. She's accompanied by her not-so-blue, somewhat-less-furry boyf, Hank McCoy, who has been hit by the same de-powering whammy as everyone else.

Up above in the cold Patagonian night air, Gambit is off sulking to himself (and Grovel) -- and do you know why? Because he has this Secret, I don't know if you've heard about that, but it's a Dark one, and he keeps it buried very Deep.

Enter Rogue, to cozy up to him and tell him that you know what, Ah Don't Care about your deep dark secret, no matter how dark it is, and no matter how deeply it affects you.

 

Gambit, however, isn't having any of it. Don't you understand, chere? This secret, it's just so deep and dark! It will always be between us!

And around and around we go yet again. Gambit scampers off, and Spat pulls Rogue aside for a chat, and is like "You know, it's none of my business, but this secret of his, it really is a big deal, so, you know, get ready for that."

But later for that! Now, we turn our attention to more important things -- namely, back to this guy!

He's kind of just minding his own business now, milling about in the streets of New York, when he is attacked apropos of nothing by a familiar foot.

This is the foot of Psylocke, who has popped out of the shadows (as is her prerogative as a shadow-dwelling Crimson Dawn-having mutant psychic ninja person) in full "Have at thee, villain" mode.

And to stick her ass out. Gotta stick the ass out.

Betsy uses her psychic powers to tell us that this guy's name is Maggott -- with two T's, jot that down -- and they have a fight which attracts the attention of Warren, who was fluttering by looking for his missing girlf.

But later for that, because we're going back to really important things, namely the sulkiness of Gambit. Remy is confiding in Grovel, who advises the young Cajun to tell her about it, tell her everything he feels, and give her every reason to accept that he's for real.

But it's just not -- how you say -- in the cards.

Meanwhile, on the other side of Grovel (he's quite large) Spat talks Rogue through her vague remembrance of Remy's memories, which involve a bunch of menacing figures in shadow arguing menacingly with each other.

But later for that! It's onto more important things because Joseph's here. He's escaped from Nanny's captivity and is ready to break them all out so they can go fight Operation: Zero Tolerance!

But even later for that, because back in New York, Psylocke continues to duke it out with Maggott (the extra "t" stands for "Trademark.") She pulls out the psychic knife, the focussed totality of her telepathic powers, which has an unexpected blowback as Magg's mind is tethered to one of his slugs (that would be Meany, as opposed to Eany.)

Meany lunges, by gets batted away by an arriving Warren. As Angel quips that they can't seem to go anywhere without bumbling into some rando to fight, Psylocke notes that there is great darkness inside that man. 

Yeah, well, who doesn't have that?

Back in the mystery cave, the heroes are trudging their way out, having escaped their chains (which Gambit could have done at any time but has no reason to do so because, where was he gonna go?) but Nanny catches them and prepares to go HAM.

And what's worse, the whole affair is being watched by... some mysterious figure!

Not now, Shadowy Figure Watching on a Screen!

And just as things are looking hopeless, Nanny is defeated by... ???

...Trish, who, having no powers to lose, had the upper hand. It has a certain... hazy logic to it, sure.

With that taken care of, Rogue shoots her shot and asks one more time for Gambit to reveal his horrible secret.

And Gambit of course...

Damn, I thought that time it was finally gonna work.

Wellp, uh, next time!

Further Thoughts:

Woof, "The Crawl" is right!

Usually just three "blah"s.

We're in the same kind of position as the other series here -- a story that started off promisingly has stalled into just spinning endlessly in circles. What's the secret, I can't tell you, but you gotta, but I can't. and on and on and on for months on end while our heroes are trapped in a cave. Because of course, you didn't think the big reveal would be in Uncanny X-Men #349, did you? Not with a nice big round number coming up?

I'm used to Scott Lobdell X-Men comics dragging things out ad infinitum, even if this is the utmost example we've ever seen. Okay, fine, build to your heart's content. My problem is, as far as "X-Men-trapped-in-a-cave" stories go, this one is lesser. It's all navel-gazing, and when it's actually time to do battle with the enemy, the results are underwhelming. The art doesn't really convey how Nanny is able to be defeated (with like... a crowbar?) and that really hammers home what an afterthought it all is, just that there's some obstacle for the X-Men to overcome, and they will when the story deems it the appropriate time.

Super Mecha Nanny with spring-loaded spanking action now available at Kay Bee Toys, Mecha Apes sold separately

The art here is provided by Lobdell's Generation X collaborator Chris Bachalo. Bachalo's work on that series when it debuted was sterling, and in time he would be a legendary X-artist in my estimation. However, his stuff just doesn't translate in this issue: perhaps being in the gaudy mainstream colors and inks makes it look flatter and duller than it ought to. When he gets a chance to stretch during Psylocke and Maggott's fight or Rogue's flashback, you see what a valuable commodity he is, but just drawing the X-Men sitting around talking is not playing to his strengths here.