UNCANNY X-MEN #383: Mxscow Knights

The X-Men meet some sketchy people on a Mission to Moscow

Originally Published July 2000

We begin on the banks of the "Moscow" river, at the home of fame underworld boss Simyon Borisovitch Kurasov. The "self-made monarch" of the Russian Mob is accosted in his bedchamber by a whirlwind that seems to be alive, bringing him into the lower atmosphere in some kind of Little Nemo flying bed situation.

Longtime readers of Uncanny X-Men will sense that this is the work of Storm, who wants to have a little talky-talk with the mob leader. Not a fan of having his Serta hijacked, he threatens his captor with gun violence, before being politely reminded how badly that would probably go.

Thus mollified, Simyon puts his sidearm away so that he and Storm can talk like the old pals they apparently are. It seems the wind-rider needs his help... and so they story begins.

Two days earlier, the X-Men came to Russia to meet with Colonel Vazhin, the Russian KGB guy who was always on the fringes of the Claremont Run yet oh so rarely actually interacted with the X-Men. Well, he's interacting today, calling in a marker with Gambit and the T'ieves Guild. Gambit, in return, brought his X-Men friends as backup, as we well know from the previous issue, but they are not party to the Guild's obligations -- Vazhin only promises that if they do him this solid, he'll owe them big time.

Seems the Colonel had sent one of his agents to infiltrate a nightclub called The Slash, the subject of numerous "rumors" that were impossible to ignore. Unfortunately, she hadn't been heard from since.

Phoenix and Cable combine their powers to create the ultimate cover identities for themselves and Gambit, leaving "no trace" of their original identities, which, if true, would mean they would completely forget they were on a mission, so let's assume that's a figurative statement.

Oh yeah, nobody would suspect Art Carney was really Gambit

Beast, meanwhile, is just going to waltz right in and flaunt his celebrity status as a former Avenger, which is a plan I detect some small flaws in but anyway.

Despite their incredible disguises, the trio attracts the attention of Ransom Sole (the Bad Guy in charge of the club) and his flunkies, Big Casino and Sketch, both of whom I now love.

Our heroes find their prize -- Major Debra Levin -- fairly easy, using Gambit's lockpicking skills and Cable's telekinesis to liberate her, only to fall prey to Sketch's... sketchy powers.

Hanging back in reserve, Storm also encounters another set of heavies in the form of Manacle and his pals Bludgeon and Cudgel.

But, as much as confinement is not Storm's favourite thing, this isn't her first day on the job, and she's able to use her powers to indirectly attack Manacle.

Up next to the plate for the bad guys is Revenant, previously seen working as the bouncer at The Slash. She looks like if you stretched 90s fitness personality Susan Powter out to the length of Houston Rockets great Hakeem Olajuwan.

Contrary to what you may assume from her name Revenant's powers have nothing to do with transforming into a bear and everything to do with terrorizing you with visions of your traumatic past. Storm escapes, and that's where we come in, with her asking for Simyon's help, in the name of her mentor, Achmed El-Gibar.

The plan -- bring a Life Model Decoy Simyon just happens to have, looking like Storm, to Ransom, so that he has a complete set of X-Men.

Meanwhile, Storm will use her prowess to sneak in the old fashioned way.

Inside, the X-Men have been turned into living statues (as has the actual living statue version of Storm) and being auctioned off to the highest bidder (as is usual for an auction.) The prospective buyers include who else but the legendary Shockwave Riders, itching for another stab at relevance...

...and interdimensional slaver Tullamore Voge, looking to turn the heroes into interdimensional slaves.

Storm sneaks into Levin's cell to rescue her, running afoul of Cudgeon and Bludgel again, causing a ruckus that Sole sends my man Big Casino to look into. But in the meantime, Sketch surmises that since this "Storm" isn't an organic being, she can use her powers to change her into a Gun-Hands.

In the chaos, Sketch completes her face turn, erasing the X-Men's bondage (hehe) and freeing them. Cable quickly finds he's no physical match for Big Casino (who could be?) but as a telekinetic, he has other good qualities.

Beast works on extracting their ally Simyon, but Manacle is on the chase, sending hundreds of feet of chains after them.

But it still isn't the X-Men's first time at the rodeo, and they have a play to outwit Manacle's power...

...crisscrossing enough times to tangle Manacle's chain up in an inextricable Gordian knot.

Once again, Revenant is here to bat cleanup, preparing to haunt Jean with her past misdeeds. Jean's just like "Oh, honey, I know," and eats Revenant for breakfast.

Ransom decides to take Jean on himself, which of course is a big mistake, huge. 

The Shockwave Riders sense what way the wind is blowing and make a hasty retreat, with Sole and Big Casino in tow.

Is this one of those fearsome tales people are still telling a thousand years later? 

With the bad guys scattered and both Major Levin and Sketch liberated, the X-Men pretty much call it a day. Not bad!

The Claremometer

1 Ororo means beauty

1 Female military personnel

2 Female henchpeople

3 X-Men turned to living statues

1 "caper"

314 feet of chains, give or take

Further Thoughts:

Attentive readers will know that I've not been exactly high on this new Claremont Run for a variety of reasons, but I always pride myself on giving each issue its fair shake, and this one I really liked. It felt as close as possible to a vintage X-Men outing as you're going to get, both in terms of content -- the X-Men go to a place, run into a squad of baddies, and then X-Men their way out of it -- and the sheer volume of Claremontisms, which at this point, when deployed well, give me a warm feeling in my gut. It was particularly a great showcase for Storm, both as a solo and to demonstrate her chemistry with other X-Men, particularly Gambit (see their weird, flirty "Don't call me Stormy" runner that Claremont loves.) 

There were abundant ideas here, maybe none of which got their fair shake. We don't know what Ransom Sole is up to, only that he's the bad guy. Between his crew and the various Neos we've seen in recent issues, Claremont is just tossing out kooky badguy groups left, right and center like it's 1988 again. And then he just drops this random blue guy Tullamore Voge in there and you know Chris has a whole mythology built up for this fella. Is it too much for one issue? Hmm...

This was an oversized issue, which means that when it was originally on sale on comic shop shelves and corner stores, it was priced at $2.99 instead of the previous month's $2.25 USD. But it's not any kind of event or milestone, even the flimsiest kind of premise that is usually invoked to justify this: it's just a long comic. It probably would have made sense to develop it a little bit more and split it into two issues, giving us a bit more material about the bad guys and the Russians and all that other stuff that's dancing around the edges of it. But in terms of things you can read on Marvel Unlimited, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it, it's about as good as late-stage Claremont gets, and the Kubert art is mostly terrific (although he skimps a bit on some background figures. Pobody's Nerfect!)