UNCANNY X-MEN #239: Vanities

As the X-Men get a little R&R, Sinister reflects on what might have been and what is yet to come

Originally Published December 1988

We begin on a scorcher of a day in New York City, where a family of tourists -- dopey dad, frazzled mom and bratty kids -- visit the Empire State Building, taking the elevator all the way up to the 113th of its 102 floors.

Wait a minute, that can't be right...

Yes, something is "up" with the iconic Manhattan landmark, but it doesn't stop with a growth spurt. The unsuspecting family steps through the elevator's mouth-- er, doors and...

They get the Fran treatment

As the janitor mops up the bloodspill from the floor near the elevator -- as a New Yorker it surely takes more than that to rattle him -- we move to another time, to a place that Mr. Sinister calls home.

I have the same decorator

As you may recall, Mister here was planning something sinister for the X-Men and Madelyne Pryor sometime ago, and it was gonna be so good too, but it was interrupted by the inconvenient event of their deaths. Sinister is preparing to go through the five stages of grieving (for his plans, not for the X-Men themselves)... 

When he is rudely interrupted by Malice (Mind-possessing Accessory Likely to Incite Chaos Everywhere). Mal is peeved since she can't seem to extricate herself from Lorna Dane's body. She's trapped in her new body -- you know, like the rest of us!

As it turns out, Sinister had a hunch this would happen -- due to Polaris' magnetic abilities and the simmering rage beneath her exterior making her simpatico with Malice -- and wanted to see how it would go. Malice is ready to attack Sinister, but he reminds her of his physical superiority and keeps her in check. Then he does a wonderful spin job by saying "Actually, you can still leave this body, only you'll have to come back to it when you're done possessing someone else. And that makes you special and important to me, and that's a good thing."

Malice is won over by Sinister's pitch, but as soon as she leaves the room he's like "Lol, sucker."

As Sinister turns his mind back to what would totally have been his awesome plan to get the X-Men, we turn our attention to the real deals, starting with Dazzler.

As she is famous for doing, Dazz has stolen away into town, looking hot as she can, finding the rowdiest, greasiest saloon around and favoring the roughnecks there with her usual once-in-a lifetime performance (aided, for those of us experiencing this story in a soundless medium, by Chris Claremont's typically-understated prose.)

It's the best night of their life for everyone present, including Dazzler, who lives and loves to perform, and alien boy-man stud Longshot, who favors his ladyfriend with a kiss for her performance.

Sinister, however, who is framing our piece with his readings on the various X-Men, doesn't really care for Dazzler or consider her a threat. Who else we got?

On the topic of Havok, Sinister does have thoughts, knowing that the Summers Boys are possessed of some awesome power. When we see Alex, however, we find him tormented, not only by the shock of losing his love Lorna to Malice's influence, but of the deeds he's had to carry out already as an X-Man.

I mean really, if you're so milquetoast that zapping a few alien body-infecting world-conquerors gives you the heejie-beejies, is X-Manning really the life for you? Go back to the Land of Enchantment, Alex.

Alex is greeted by a returning Dazzler and Longshot, but is stuck in his feelings until revived by Madelyne, who arrives in a flash of fiery light and seems to have heard what he was thinking.

Nope, nothing weird about any of that.

Next we go to Storm, who is poking around the computer system. Seems the Reavers had access to a nearly limitless supply of information about everyone and everything on Earth, including the X-Men, up to and including footage of that time Storm dressed as a Native American Princess to go kill Forge.

A little bit more scrolling and Storm comes across some footage of Cyclops and a strikingly familiar redheaded associate --

Storm rushes off to find Wolverine and spread the news, and he casually admits "Yeah, I kinda knew already." This shocks Storm into dropping him from a great height, but she catches him in order to let him explain himself.

So he does, and notes that he knew, but he didn't know what he knew, so he didn't really know, you know? He sensed Jean back in the Morlock Tunnels, and at her sister's house, but that was just craziness because as we all know Jean Grey Died on the Moon (an event you can commemorate with one of our specially-designed mugs) So who's to say? But in the end, yes, Wolverine admits, it really seems like Jean is back to life, only she doesn't smell like Phoenix anymore, but other than that, yes.

Next we hear about Psylocke, who is sparring with Rogue and Colossus beneath the X-Men's domicile. She's able to telepathically outwit the southern belle but is surprised by the Russian's quick reflexes. Before Betsy knows it, she's pinned to the wall by Rogue and made to yield.

Rogue, however, pushes her luck a little too far and gets a psy-blast for her trouble...

The shock of which sends Rogue's persona into sleep mode and lets Carol Danvers out to take the wheel.

Carol and Betsy discuss how Psylocke lost her head somewhat in the heat of the moment, but hey, the body armor works great. It does tend to bottle up the heat, enough to make her want to strip it off and take a gratuitous dip afterward, but there's not a scratch on it!

Next we look in again on Madelyne, whom Sinister laments was his "pride and joy," hinting once more at the strange, secret relationship between the two characters. Madelyne approaches a sunbathing Alex (who says only the ladies get to be cake around here?)

When it appears Maddie is coming onto Alex he begs off, playing the "You're my brother's wife" card, but Maddy plays the "He dumped me and our baby unceremoniously to go play dressup with his high school friends" card. Maddie clarifies that all she wants from Alex is "friendship," since they have so much commonality, but certain aspects of their conversation give me the creeping idea that maybe she's leading him into the darkness.

Just a hunch

Back at Sinister HQ, Mister S. regards the babe he holds in captivity -- none other than Nathan Christopher Charles Summers, who is apparently the key to his big scheme!

But lurking in the shadows is our demon friend N'astirh, who has his own plots in mind.

Back in X-Town, Madelyne tousels Alex's hair while he sleeps the sleep of the innocent. From there she goes down to her computer lab for a Zoom call with N'astirh. Everything is in readiness, the pieces all in place.

But Madylene -- now styling herself as the Goblin Queen (and favoring plunging necklines, because evil is sexy) -- will not be happy until the Marauders are found, and destroyed, and her child is returned to her.

Here we go!