UNCANNY X-MEN #355: North & South

The X-Men face off with Alpha Flight for whatever reason

Originally Published May 1998

We begin briefly -- specifically, with the X-Men's impractically brief answering machine where they've been contacted, unsuccessfully, by Nightcrawler, their archnemesis Margaret Stone from the Dept of Education, and by Jean, who wants to let them know that they made it to Alaska okay but, um, a bunch of other stuff happened.

Nevermind that though, because Wolverine has loaded Sauron on his motorcycle and is bound for New York City, where he plans to drop the dino monster off at the nearest uh, I dunno, fire station I guess. Really, this whole excursion is just an excuse to track Rogue, who buggered off to the city earlier, which is a relief because if Logan really wanted to transport Sauron, I feel like a Harley Davidson is one of the less secure modes of travel.

Not a bird

Wolverine actually doesn't care why Rogue left and where she went, his main interest is the fact that he caught her scent when he was knocked unconscious. Some might say there is probably a connection between all those things, but despite carrying the appropriate credentials, Logan is not really a detective.

Anyway, his whole scheme is disrupted by a low-flying aircraft signaling the arrival of...

That's right Alpha Flight! Specifically the new and improved for the 90's Alpha Flight with hot new members! (Which you can follow in their hot new series scripted by -- let me check -- Steve Seagle! What a coincidence!) And they're here to do Alpha Flight things, namely posture and threaten to take Logan back to Canada.

Now, you may be thinking, it's 1998 -- didn't we address this, like, 20 years ago? And the answer is... yes! But... we have to keep doing comics, so... just... be cool, okay?

Meanwhile down in Manhattan, Rogue is at the Agee Institute getting prepped for her de-mutifying process by the titular Doc, an unassuming gentleman who kind of looks like Mark Linn-Baker from Perfect Strangers. It really just boils down to a cheek swab and she's on her way. I, um... I would have thought there would be more to this.

Upstate, Alpha Flight explains Logan is wanted for the murder of Alpha Flighter Madison Jeffries. Wolverine is confused -- he doesn't remember murdering anyone recently -- and also Mac smells weird, you should look into that.

Now, even if this were true, I'm not sure it would be grounds for Alpha Flight to be operating on American soil, but then we wouldn't have a comic, would we? What, are Alpha Flight supposed to just stay in Canada? And do what? Thwart counterfeiters at the local maple syrup farm? Protect a beaver dam from Moses Magnum? Foil a terrorist plot at the Canadian Museum of Human Rights in Winnipeg? 

Speaking of places North of the 49th, in Alaska, Cyclops and Jean have a discussion about what kind of episode Jean is having, being that she's resurrected the Phoenix outfit. Cyclops is concerned that Jean is backsliding into villainous territory despite never having been Phoenix in the first place, but Jean sees wearing the pajamas of a deceased cosmic mass murderer as liberating.

She continues to give Cyke the hard sell. She's on her very own Eras tour 25 years before Taylor Swift.

Logan tries to shoulder past his would-be arresters but they remain unconvinced and the fight is on. Wolverine contemplates how something is clearly off about Vindicator (or whatever name he's going by at this point) and I'm glad he notices it too, I thought it was just bad writing.

Although it could still be that

Rogue happens to be flying by, not behaving in any way, shapd or form like someone whose powers are causing her to behave like an internally-conflicted compulsive energy vampire. She spots the kerfuffle, promising to return with the X-Men.

Being that I don't know who half these people are or what they can do, it's a bunch of sound and fury for a while, punctuated by cheesy dialogue.

Oof, that'll get you right in the Manitoulin Islands.

When Wolverine pops his claws, Heather notes that he doesn't have adamantium anymore. That's confusing to her, as the government of Canada had supposedly been tracking his adamantium, hoping to retrieve it as it is still Canadian property. (I don't know that you can claim ownership of something that is part of another person's body, but as the metal is currently not present, it's a moot point.)

Anyway, we're just about to clear this up when the fight continues on somewhat arbitrary grounds.

The X-Men (but not Joseph, who left after Rogue did, but also before,) arrive to even the score. The team's ace, Maggott, once again demonstrates his fearsome powers.

"Hey, we inherited this character we think sucks. Let's make sure everyone knows he sucks."

Rogue dukes it out with Radius (who?) while the Unnamed Attractive Francophone Woman puts Maggott to sleep, which I'm envious of, because it means he doesn't have to experience any more of this comic.

Storm accuses Heather of being brainwashed, which she mishears as "rainwashed" and gets confused. I think that's a typo but this comic is so underwhelming I halfway think it's an intentional depiction of Alpha Flight's utter lack of competence.

Eventually, Cannonball puts the whole thing to a halt when he and Flex (who??) work out that Wolverine couldn't have done the murder because it took place during Operation: Zero Tolerance, when Wolverine was in Bastion's custody. Well shit. You know, if I were tracking down a potential super-killer on foreign soil I would at least start by asking where they were on the night of December 28 or whatever.

Alpha Flight discerns they may have been lied to by their bosses and decide to go check it out. There's no hard feelings and everyone goes home, and also Sauron got away in the craziness. Well, win some, lose some. Who is capable of caring at tbis point.

Anyway, back at the mansion, we check the machine again and find that Scott has some... concerns he'd like to share with his erstwhile teammates.

Scott, she's a f**king telepath, what are you trying to get away with?

And that ends the issue, mercifully.

Further Thoughts:

Sometimes I feel like there are comic book writers who have read a lot of comics and not a lot else, so they haven't taken the time to hone their craft or draw inspiration from things that are not comics. In those cases you tend to get the superficial imagers of comics you've already read or enjoyed -- or at least that the writer has -- without the necessary heavy lifting and underlying logic. And while I can't say for sure that applies to Seagle, that might explain how you get Alpha Flight ganging up on Logan: because that's what they do -- or what they have done. 

Okay, so they've been tricked by their employers. Why have they completely abdicated their senses? There's something "wrong" with James Hudson -- that doesn't explain why every other member of Alpha Flight is acting like a total maniac. What we have here is a faded third-generation carbon paper copy of a story we all remember from the late 70's (assuming we were reading X-Men at that time -- which according to Steve Seagle's Wikipedia page, he was.)

The only saving grace is that I enjoy Chris Bachalo's stylish artwork even when he's not at his best, though that's very much a matter of personal opinion. The combination of his exaggerated-beyond-credibility figures and action and Steve Seagle's goofy, self-deprecating comics that seem to know sometimes that they're getting a bit silly (such as with whiny Sauron and reluctant Alpha Flight members) could work well on a lower profile book that was meant to have a more offbeat, alternative flavor. But it's wrong for an alleged flagship series that is meant to be topping the sales charts. The lack of a "straight face" on any of this undercuts whatever sense of drama or excitement could possibly be generated by this nonsensical scenario.

When I undertook this project, I knew I'd be reading some bad comics sometimes. I'd also heard from some people that felt that the Seagle and Kelly runs on these comics were under-appreciated. I'm not seeing it so far -- I'm seeing two reasonably capable writers doing bad work, and two good artists turning in less-than-stellar efforts.