X-MEN #91: Technical Difficulties

The X-Men investigate the SHIELD Helicarrier

Note that nowhere do they indicate this is Rage Against The Machine Part Two.

Originally Published August 1999

We begin with Rogue trying to pick an outfit for her latest reunion with Gambit.

Then we begin with the SHIELD higher-ups excited about their new toy Deathlok, the greatest idea ever, a robot with guns that couldn't possibly ever turn against them.

Next we begin back at Muir Island, where Colossus, Kitty and Kurt are investigating what appears to be Douglock's energy signature, only to find him missing, seemingly kidnapped by SHIELD agents.

In Westchester, the X-Men return to the mansion, and everyone seems to be acting like an asshole to Rogue, not understanding why she prettied herself up for the occasion.

Worst of all is newly bimbified Marrow, clinging to Rogue's mans.

Talk about The Summer I Turned Pretty. Someone get her two floppy-haired boys stat!

At the Helicarrier, the missing agents return, not having kidnapped Douglock so much as being kidnapped by him.

But everyone has a boss, and Douglock is taking orders -- seemingly under duress -- from some shadowy figure with freaky-deaky eyes.

In the infirmary, Marrow demonstrates her newfound control over her powers and her increased zest for life by teasing Gambit.

And Storm asks Bruce Campbell whether he wants to assassinate Magneto.

Good mutant. Bad mutant. I'm the guy with the claws.

Actually, Wolverine, who has been clashing with Charles of late, expresses a newfound respect for Xavier, having teamed with his astral form to help the Juggernaut and then see him quixotically attempt to thwart Galactus.

Back on the SHIELD carrier, Nick Fury realizes something hinky is going on with all these techno-zombies.

Luckily, help is arriving in the form of, you guessed it, Frank Stallone Nightcrawler, Colossus and Shadowcat, who have acquired a craft, somehow, and are headed for the ship.

Douglock's mysterious boss slaps his charge around for incompetence, insubordination, or being insufficiently goal-oriented.

Hey, I've seen that red skull before! It belongs to...

Hm... pass!

Further Thoughts:

About 9 years ago in late 2016, I was going through something of a funk. World events were getting me down, and I felt like I was trapped in an unfulfilling day job with no potential to grow beyond it. To cheer myself up, I began reading old X-Men comics, and decided to revisit an idea I had had years earlier to write about every single issue. This was the genesis of the blog you are now reading, which is both ambitious and modest in scope: for I have a large task ahead of me, with many X-Men comics yet to go, and yet I also receive no formal payment and no material reward for continuing to do it. I do it because it makes me happy.

Life has changed, for myself and for the world, since 2016. In some ways for the better and for many, the worse. Though world politics remain immensely concerning, I myself am happier -- I married a wonderful woman, I found a professional direction to pursue, I feel less anxiety about what I do with my days. Through ups and downs, there has always been another X-Men comic to read, something to look forward to. and even though very few people read these words, I know that some do and I hope they derive pleasure from my takes on the comics themselves. Whether I'm funny, or insightful, or just a friendly bunch of words on the screen to distract you a few days for week, I hope that the work I do here is good, and building this site for almost nine years has been a huge pleasure.

But man, this comic sucked.

It's conceivable that some people who care about X-Men also care about SHIELD, I guess. It's not outside the realm of possibility that if you care about former Excalibur members Nightcrawler, Shadowcat and Colossus, you also care about Douglock. Maybe some people out there care about Deathlok and the Machine Man. And it's not altogether impossible that someone really finds the Red Skull to be a compelling villain outside of his usual being-punched-by-Captain America context.

But where, oh where, on all of the creator's great green globe known as Earth will you find the person who fits into the venn diagram overlapping all of those things?

You gave a gun to a robot. Don't pat yourself on the back too hard.

Forget it, this is a write-off, and I'm certainly not motivated to read more about this story in X-Men Annual '99. 

I'm not a completist by any means. There are a ton of similar projects out there where folks want to read every single X-Men related comic they can get their hands on, but I'm not one of them. I've committed myself to reading every issue of Uncanny and Adjectiveless X-Men, good or bad, but beyond that, it's totally at my discretion and I say I've got better things to do than find out how this shakes out. That is simply not how I want to spend my time. If this blog started as a way for me to create happiness in my life, then I'm reclaiming it by giving myself permission to skip ahead at the very least to the next issue of Uncanny.

Of course, if you really want to make me do it, I can be bought.

As to what's going on with the rest of the team, I think something is affecting their behavior, but there's also half a chance that the current creators are just out to lunch on how everyone is supposed to behave? I expect better from Alan Davis, and even Terry Kavanagh has proven a capable scripter, so I hope this is all intentional and building to something, but other than the bizarre behavior of Marrow and the harshness of Professor X, it doesn't stand out enough to signify "Something is Wrong" in-story rather than out.